{"id":9519,"date":"2014-09-02T03:00:33","date_gmt":"2014-09-02T00:00:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ph.yhb.org.il\/en\/?p=9519"},"modified":"2019-11-21T10:07:18","modified_gmt":"2019-11-21T08:07:18","slug":"14-02-03","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ph.yhb.org.il\/en\/14-02-03\/","title":{"rendered":"03. The Man\u2019s Mitzva"},"content":{"rendered":"
A few hours before having sexual relations, a husband should express his love for his wife and his eager anticipation of their upcoming intimacy. Doing so will correspondingly arouse his wife, filling her with love and desire. They should both take care during these hours not to broach subjects likely to lead to an argument, or subjects that are a source of stress for either one of them, so as not to derogate from the joy of the mitzva. The Sages state that whoever raises a subject that could ruin the joy of the mitzva will have to answer for it in the future. Thus, commenting upon the verse, \u201cFor behold, He forms mountains and creates winds; He reveals his words (si\u1e25o<\/em>) to a person\u201d (Amos 4:13), the Talmud informs us that God holds us responsible even for \u201cexcess words (si\u1e25a<\/em>) between husband and wife\u201d (\u1e24agiga<\/em> 5a, following the interpretation of Raavad; Ba\u1e25<\/em>, O\u1e24 280:2).<\/p>\n As the couple becomes intimate, it is a mitzva for the husband to tell his wife how much he loves her. He should not hold back any compliment \u2013 about her beauty, her character, and whatever else he knows will bring her joy (Zohar<\/em> I 49b; Tikkunei Zohar<\/em> 57:1). This does not mean he should make things up; rather, after thinking about how deeply he loves his wife, he should offer truthful compliments. One may stretch the truth a bit, however, for it is only due to our own shortcomings that we fail to see that our hyperboles are closer to the truth than we realize (see Ketubot<\/em> 17a).<\/p>\n Included in the mitzva are embracing, kissing, and caressing anywhere that is pleasurable, and in any way that is enjoyable. The mitzva is to proceed gradually, from areas where touch is pleasant to the erogenous zones, until finally reaching the clitoris, where touch produces the most arousal and pleasure. Every woman should know her body so that, if necessary, she can teach her husband how to bring her pleasure. Since every person is different, part of the mitzva is for the couple to openly discuss what gives them pleasure; the husband should ask his wife how he can increase her joy, and she will respond and open up to him. And having aroused her to a state of intense pleasure, they proceed to the consummation of their sexual union.<\/p>\n For most couples, it is best for the husband to try to enable his wife to reach orgasm before him, for otherwise, there is concern that he will be drained of desire and unable to bring her joy as he should. It should be noted that in the past, apparently, in most circumstances, women could achieve orgasm during coitus itself, whereas nowadays, for various reasons, many women do not reach orgasm during coitus, only through manual stimulation of the clitoris. In that case, this is how to perform the mitzva, and from this they proceed to the consummation of their sexual union.<\/p>\n It has always been a virtue of Torah scholars and Torah-oriented Jews that they bring joy to their wives, as is proper. For that reason, the Sages admonish fathers not to marry off their daughters to coarse ignoramuses (amei ha-aretz<\/em>): \u201cIf one marries his daughter to an am ha\u2019aretz<\/em>, it is as if he has left her tied up in front of a lion. Just like a lion attacks and devours its prey with no shame, so, too, an am ha\u2019aretz<\/em> beats and penetrates his wife shamelessly\u201d (Pesa\u1e25im<\/em> 49b). In other words, just as a lion devours its prey and begins eating while it is still alive, so an am ha\u2019aretz<\/em> penetrates his wife in order to satisfy his own urges and does not delay so that his wife can experience pleasure and joy as well.[3]<\/a><\/sup><\/p>\n