{"id":9530,"date":"2014-09-02T08:00:21","date_gmt":"2014-09-02T05:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ph.yhb.org.il\/en\/?p=9530"},"modified":"2019-11-21T10:10:51","modified_gmt":"2019-11-21T08:10:51","slug":"14-02-08","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ph.yhb.org.il\/en\/14-02-08\/","title":{"rendered":"08. Beyond the Set Times"},"content":{"rendered":"

In addition to the set obligation of the mitzva of ona<\/em>, which for most men is twice a week, it is a mitzva for every husband to have sexual relations with his wife when she desires him, as long as he has the strength for it, i.e., that he is capable of consummating the union.<\/p>\n

Thus, the Torah\u2019s commandment of ona <\/em>has two parts. First, there are set times based on what the husband\u2019s health and workload permit; these times provide a regular expression for the couple\u2019s bond and mutual desire. It is precisely this regularity that gives expression to the stability of their loving relationship. It is also why the Torah refers to this mitzva as \u201cona<\/em>,\u201d \u201ctime,\u201d when it mentions a man\u2019s conjugal duties (Shemot 21:10).<\/p>\n

Second, there is another part of the mitzva, which applies when the wife\u2019s desire is aroused. The Torah commands the man to be responsive and to consummate their union with abundant joy. It is likewise a mitzva and a duty for the wife to be responsive to her husband, if he wishes to have sexual relations with her more often than required.[6]<\/a><\/sup><\/p>\n

In light of the second component of the mitzva, a question arises regarding the first one: Why must the Torah establish set times for a couple to express their love for each other? Why not leave the frequency of the mitzva up to them? After all, according to the second component, if one spouse is in the mood, the other has a mitzva and an obligation to respond, even if this takes place daily. Conversely, if, over the course of several weeks, neither husband nor wife initiates intimacy, why must they be instructed to have sexual relations at set times?<\/p>\n

There are three answers to this question. First, it often happens that as the years go by, life\u2019s demands grow. Since sexual relations are no longer new and special as at first, the couple are liable to push it off, one time because of exhaustion, another time because of a preoccupation, the next time for a headache, and the time after that an upset stomach. Even though each time they both agree to forgo the mitzva, in fact their loving relationship is weakened. Deep in their hearts, each one is hurt that the other does not yearn for more intimacy, and when one does not initiate, the other also loses interest, deepening their sense of insult and the growing distance between them. Therefore, the mitzva of ona<\/em> is there to instruct them to fulfill the onot<\/em> on a regular basis. Only on rare occasions, when they are especially tense, may they forgo the mitzva by mutual consent.<\/p>\n

Second, if the mitzva were always dependent on one spouse expressing desire, there would be concern that the spouse who is more often in the mood would become ashamed to always be the one to initiate. In contrast, when both husband and wife know that they have a mitzva to have sexual relations twice a week, they will fulfill the mitzva on a regular basis, and the need to indicate the desire for additional intimacy can be reserved for when one of them is feeling particularly amorous.<\/p>\n

Third, as we mentioned above (section 4), the mitzva must be done with full attentiveness, with attention to tiny detail, much like an elaborate banquet. The Sages assessed how frequently a couple can fulfill the mitzva of ona <\/em>in a wholesome manner, and this is consequently the mitzva of the Torah. If the man goes too far beyond this frequency, there is concern that it will become superficial for him, something he does just to satisfy his urges, without bringing proper pleasure to his wife. The unique joy of the mitzva would wane. To avoid that, and to ensure that the mitzva can be fulfilled properly, the Sages set a fixed frequency. Nevertheless, this is a general guideline; when a woman yearns for more, it is a mitzva for her husband to be responsive if he is able. Likewise, when a man yearns for more and feels that he can properly pleasure his wife, this, too, fulfills a mitzva.[7]<\/a><\/sup><\/p>\n

\n
\n
\n[6]<\/a>. The Mishna (Ketubot<\/em> 5:6) refers to \u201cthe ona<\/em> that is stated in the Torah.\u201d This means that the onot<\/em> that the Sages established are the framework for the fulfillment of the Torah commandment. It is for this reason that the mitzva is called \u201cona<\/em>,\u201d to indicate that it has set times (Pnei Yehoshua <\/em>on Ketubot<\/em> 61b). Above and beyond those onot<\/em>, Rava asserts that a man has a duty to bring his wife joy even outside the set times (Pesa\u1e25im<\/em> 72b). Rashi explains that this is \u201cif he sees that she desires him.\u201d Shul\u1e25an Arukh<\/em> rules accordingly (240:1). Some A\u1e25aronim maintain that even though both of these types of ona<\/em> are Torah commandments, the second type is more important, since the essence of the mitzva is to respond to his wife\u2019s yearning. (Section 8 below elaborates on this.) This is the opinion of \u1e24ida; \u1e24okhmat Adam<\/em> 128:19; and Igrot Moshe<\/em>, EH 3:28. However, when the husband does not have the strength (meaning, he cannot sustain an erection), he is exempt, because the circumstances are beyond his control (ones<\/em>).<\/p>\n

Likewise, if a man wishes to have sexual relations with his wife more often than required, she must be responsive. Since nothing comparable to sustaining an erection is required of her, she may not refuse without a compelling reason (see the beginning of n. 12 below).<\/p>\n

In both cases, even though the one who denies their spouse is violating a Torah commandment, he or she is not considered \u201crebellious\u201d (\u201cmored\/et<\/em>\u201d), which would be grounds for divorce, since this is about sexual relations beyond the set times. In contrast, if one spouse avoids sexual relations at one of the times set in accordance with the husband\u2019s health and workload, that spouse is considered rebellious and loses their ketuba <\/em>rights (Responsa Rashba<\/em> 1:693; Tashbetz<\/em> 2:259; \u1e24elkat Me\u1e25okek <\/em>76:20; Ma\u1e25aneh \u1e24ayim<\/em> 2:41, cited in Otzar Ha-poskim<\/em> 77:1. See also MT, Laws of Marriage 15:18; Ba\u2019er Heitev<\/em>, EH 77:7; Meshiv Davar<\/em> 4:35; and Igrot Moshe<\/em> 4:75). Obviously, even at the set times of ona<\/em>, a husband may not rape his wife if she refuses him. Rather, the only option available to him is to initiate divorce and cause her to lose her ketuba<\/em>.<\/p>\n

[7]<\/a>. People naturally differ. Some men naturally need sexual relations more frequently than the onot<\/em> established by the Sages for the general population, based on their physical stamina and workload. Even when his wife cannot reach orgasm more than twice a week, because to do so she would need to get more sleep and be more relaxed, the couple should make sure that twice a week they fulfill the mitzva of ona<\/em> completely. At other times when the husband is in the mood, they can fulfill the mitzva of ona<\/em> pleasurably but without trying for the wife to have an orgasm. See below, 3:3 and 3:5, where we discuss Raavad\u2019s fourth reason for being intimate at set times \u2013 to prevent people from sinful thoughts. Although this is less positive than the other reasons, there is still a mitzva to have relations for this reason. (See ch. 3 n. 4, where we explain when one should minimize the manifestation of one\u2019s urges, and when it is forbidden to minimize them.)<\/p>\n

As explained in the previous note, a wife may refuse to be intimate only when she has a compelling reason to do so. Pregnancy, nursing, or minor aches are not considered a compelling reason (below, n. 12).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In addition to the set obligation of the mitzva of ona, which for most men is twice a week, it is a mitzva for every husband to have sexual relations with his wife when she desires him, as long as he has the strength for it, i.e., that he is capable of consummating the union. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[155],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9530","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-14-02"],"yoast_head":"\n08. Beyond the Set Times - Peninei Halakha<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/ph.yhb.org.il\/en\/14-02-08\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"08. Beyond the Set Times - Peninei Halakha\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In addition to the set obligation of the mitzva of ona, which for most men is twice a week, it is a mitzva for every husband to have sexual relations with his wife when she desires him, as long as he has the strength for it, i.e., that he is capable of consummating the union. 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