{"id":9640,"date":"2014-09-05T07:00:27","date_gmt":"2014-09-05T04:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ph.yhb.org.il\/en\/?p=9640"},"modified":"2019-11-21T12:39:53","modified_gmt":"2019-11-21T10:39:53","slug":"14-05-07","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ph.yhb.org.il\/en\/14-05-07\/","title":{"rendered":"07. The Age of Marriage for Men"},"content":{"rendered":"
Although at the age of thirteen a male becomes obligated to fulfill all the mitzvot<\/em>, the Sages say that the ideal age for a male to get married is eighteen, and no later than twenty. This delay is because he must prepare himself for the challenges of raising a family in two areas. The first is mastery of the basics of the Torah to mold his worldview and so that he knows how to act in accordance with halakha<\/em>. This is what the Sages mean when they say, \u201cFive years old is the age to begin studying Scripture; ten for Mishna; thirteen for the obligation of the commandments; fifteen for the study of Talmud; eighteen for marriage\u201d (Avot<\/em> 5:21). Elsewhere the Sages say that studying Torah should come before marriage, because if one marries first, the burden of supporting a family is likely to impede his Torah study (Kiddushin<\/em> 29b). Similarly, Shul\u1e25an Arukh<\/em> rules, \u201cA man should first learn Torah and then marry. For if he marries first, he will not be able to devote himself to Torah study, as he will have a millstone around his neck\u201d (YD 246:2).<\/p>\n The second type of preparation is learning how to earn a living. It used to be that while a young man was studying the basics of the Torah, he devoted part of his day to working with his father and thus learning a trade that could earn him a living, build a home, and save up to invest in the furtherance of his career. The idea that one must have a means of support before getting married is derived by the Sages from the order of the verses in the Torah: \u201cWho has built a new house\u2026planted a vineyard\u2026betrothed a woman\u2026\u201d (Devarim 20:5-7). The Talmud states:<\/p>\n The Torah teaches us the proper way to go about things. First, one should build a house, then he should plant a vineyard, and only then should he get married. King Shlomo, too, wisely declared, \u201cPut your external affairs in order; get ready what you have in the field, then build yourself a home\u201d (Mishlei 24:27). \u201cPut your external affairs in order\u201d refers to the house; \u201cget ready what you have in the field\u201d refers to the vineyard; \u201cthen build yourself a home\u201d refers to getting married. (Sota<\/em> 44a)<\/p>\n Rambam similarly writes:<\/p>\n It is the way of intelligent people to ensure that first they learn a trade with which they can support themselves, then buy a home, and afterwards they marry\u2026. But fools marry first; then, if he can, he buys a house, and then, at the end, he will try to learn a trade or will live off charity\u2026 (MT, Laws of Dispositions 5:11)<\/p>\n Therefore, the Sages instruct men to postpone marriage until the age of eighteen. At the same time, they also warn against delaying marriage beyond the age of twenty, saying (Kiddushin<\/em> 29b), \u201cUntil a man turns twenty, God sits and waits for him to get married. If he reaches the age of twenty and is not yet married, God says, \u2018Let his bones swell up!\u2019\u201d In other words, he is cursed for not fulfilling the mitzva of procreation. The Sages also comment on the verse, \u201cA time for giving birth and a time for dying\u201d (Kohelet 3:2): \u201cFrom the time of a person\u2019s birth until he turns twenty, God awaits his marriage. If he reaches the age of twenty and has not yet married, God says to him, \u2018There was a time for you to give birth, but you were not interested; now it is only a time to die\u2019\u201d (Kohelet Rabba<\/em> 3:3).<\/p>\n Furthermore, the Sages state, \u201cIf a man does not marry by the age of twenty, he spends his whole life thinking sinful thoughts\u201d (Kiddushin<\/em> 29b), for as long as a man who has not yet reached that age knows that when the time comes he will marry and love his wife as himself, then even if he sometimes entertains sinful thoughts and transgresses by masturbating, he knows that it is improper and that when he is married he will reserve all his desire for his wife. However, when bachelorhood lasts too long, he despairs of mastering his desire, surrenders to it, and gets used to gratifying himself sinfully. Then, even when he marries and is faithful to his wife, it will be difficult for him to avoid sinful thoughts, because they will have become a part of him. Only if he repents sincerely out of love will he be able to correct this (above, 4:2, n. 2).<\/p>\n Some people manage to marry early, either because they had help from their parents or because they were exceptionally talented, and this is praiseworthy. As R. \u1e24isda said of himself, his preeminence was not because he was more talented or more righteous than his colleagues, but because he was able to marry at sixteen and thus learn Torah in purity without sexual temptation. He added that had he gotten married at fourteen, he would have been so immune to the evil inclination that he would have been able to taunt Satan without fear of being tempted to sin (Kiddushin<\/em> 29b-30a).[7]<\/a><\/sup><\/p>\n