05. Revealing the Ultimate Unity

In order to more fully understand the sanctity of this mitzva, we must first explain that God wished to benefit humanity. He created the world incomplete, to provide people with the opportunity to perfect it and make it a better, happier place, and thereby to merit becoming God’s partner in everything good in the world and experiencing complete happiness in it.

The greatest shortcoming in all of creation is detachment. The one God indeed created everything, but because He concealed His light, all creatures are detached from Him, and consequently from one another. Each creature looks out only for itself, thus leading to all the world’s strife, discord, conflict, and war. It is for this reason that this world is called “the world of detachment” and “the world of deception.” The unity at the root of all goes unacknowledged, thus leading to all the evil in the world. The fundamental principle of the Jewish faith is therefore belief in God’s unity, that there is one God and no other.

This is also why the mitzva of settling in Eretz Yisrael, which links heaven and earth, is so important. The most fundamental detachment is that between heaven and earth, as expressed in the detachment between the spirit and matter, between vision and reality, between Creator and creation. Through the mitzva of settling Eretz Yisrael, it becomes revealed that God reigns over both heaven and earth, and that all earthly matters are connected to holiness. The Sages therefore say: “Anyone who lives in Eretz Yisrael is likened to one who has a God, while anyone who lives outside of Eretz Yisrael is likened to one who has no God…and who worships idols” (Ketubot 110b; see below, 3:15).

The value of unity also underlies the extraordinary significance of the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself” (Vayikra 19:18), which R. Akiva calls “a major principle of the Torah” (Sifra ad loc.).

We are now in position to understand the great importance of the mitzva of sexual union between husband and wife, as it is the most perfect fulfillment of the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself,” and it expresses the greatest possible unity, the complete union of two different individuals. The unity is achieved on two levels: it unites husband and wife, and it unites body and soul. Often, the body and the soul are in conflict. The soul longs for good, and the body is drawn to evil; the soul desires eternity, while the body focuses on the fleeting present. The mitzva of ona brings body and soul together, transforming even the evil inclination to good. Through this mitzva, the sublime ideas of faithfulness and unity combine with the greatest physical pleasure. The moral value of absolute devotion combines with the greatest joy (see Zohar I 49a; III 81a-b; Bereishit Rabba 9:7, below, 3:13; Maharal, Gevurot Hashem ch. 43).

06. The Importance of the Sexual Union of Husband and Wife

The sexual union and unification of husband and wife is so marvelous that it serves as a metaphor for the supernal union of God and the Jewish people, as we read: “As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you” (Yeshayahu 62:5). Similarly, R. Akiva says, “No other day was as precious as the day the Jews were given Shir Ha-shirim. For all of the Writings are holy, but Shir Ha-shirim is the holy of holies” (Tanḥuma Tetzaveh §5). We see that the love between a husband and wife is so transcendent and sublime that it is compared to and a manifestation of the sacred connection between God and His people. In fact, the relationship between husband and wife who achieve union with each other in holiness and love (below, 3:15) is an extension of the relationship between God and His people. This, in turn, influences the relationship between God and His world, bringing life, blessing, and peace to all creation.

The Talmud tells us that the keruvim (cherubim) on top of the holy ark in the Holy of Holies were in the shape of a woman and man fulfilling the mitzva of ona. The Sages relate, “When the Jews ascended to the Temple in Jerusalem for the festivals, the kohanim would roll back the curtain so everyone could see the intertwined keruvim, and would say to them, ‘Look! The love between you and God is like the love between a male and a female’” (Yoma 54a). When Israel stopped acting in accordance with the divine will, the keruvim separated from one another and turned toward the wall (Bava Batra 99a).

Since the essence of marriage is sacred and transcendent, during Temple times Yom Kippur was one of the two holidays on which people would occupy themselves with matchmaking (m. Ta’anit 4:8). A wedding is about a bride and a groom, two individuals who are uniting and starting a new life together. It is a mitzva to joyfully celebrate this. The Sages (Berakhot 6b) tell us that anyone who makes a groom and bride happy will merit acquiring (knowledge of) the Torah and is considered as if he had brought a thanksgiving offering and had rebuilt one of Jerusalem’s ruins (see Maharal, Tiferet Yisrael ch. 30).

We likewise find that when Israel reached the highest expression of its union with the Holy One, when King Shlomo stabilized the Kingdom of Israel and built the Temple, he declared a weeklong celebration for all of Israel, which he later extended for an additional week. “On the eighth day he let the people go. They bade the king goodbye and went to their homes, joyful and glad of heart for all the goodness that the Lord had shown to His servant David and His people Israel” (1 Melakhim 8:66). The Sages expound: “‘And went to their homes’ – [the husbands] went and found their wives in a state of purity. ‘Joyful’ – they delighted in the radiance of the Divine Presence. ‘And glad of heart’ – each and every woman conceived a boy. ‘Over all the goodness’ – a heavenly voice proclaimed to them, ‘You are all guaranteed a place in the World to Come’” (Mo’ed Katan 9a). In other words, when the Temple was built in Jerusalem, God was as happy with His people as a groom is happy with his bride, and that general sanctity spread to each individual Israelite home. Thus, the husbands returned home to find their wives pure, so they could fulfill the mitzva of ona joyfully.

Earlier, when Israel received the Torah, God commanded Moshe, “Go say to them: ‘Return to your tents’” (Devarim 5:27). The Sages explain this to mean that they were told to return to “the joy of ona” (Avoda Zara 5a). One who does not appreciate the value of this mitzva might think it was inappropriate to be involved in such things following the sublime experience of receiving the Torah. Nevertheless, God instructed otherwise: “Return to the joy of ona!” This makes clear that, on the contrary, it was specifically after absorbing the holiness revealed at the giving of the Torah that it was appropriate to joyfully fulfill the mitzva of ona. In fact, there is a parallel between the giving of the Torah and ona. The giving of the Torah was akin to a wedding between God and Israel, as the Sages expound on Shir Ha-shirim 3:11: “‘His wedding day’ refers to the giving of the Torah, while ‘His day of bliss’ refers to the building of the Temple” (Ta’anit 26b). The love and joy of this glorious wedding spilled over into every family in Israel.

This runs counter to the view of many savants of the gentile world. In their opinion, physical pleasures are rooted in the material and in sin, and are entirely detached from sacred spiritual matters. However, the unique role of Israel is to reveal the true monotheistic faith, namely, that God is the Ruler of both heaven and earth. Therefore, when husband and wife achieve union in the proper way, it discloses something of the divine. This is the meaning of the rabbinical exposition on the verse “Who can count the dust of Jacob, number the dust-cloud (rova) of Israel?” (Bamidbar 23:10). The Sages explain:

This teaches that God sits and counts the matings (revi’oteihem) of Israel, awaiting the arrival of the drop from which a righteous person will be formed. The wicked Bilam was blinded because of this; he said, “Would the One Who is pure and holy, and Whose servants are pure and holy, look at such a thing?!” Right away, he lost vision in one eye. (Nidda 31a)

07. The Joy of Ona

Under normal circumstances, each person must look out for himself, for if he does not take care of himself, who else will? This sad reality can be obscured by shallow friendships and frivolous entertainment, but in moments of clarity, when a person becomes aware of his loneliness, he feels terrible sorrow. This is the existential pain that accompanies a person through life, the pall of death that casts a shadow during life. In moments of acute sobriety, the pain is even greater. Loneliness leads to egotism, to caring only for oneself. One thus becomes morally empty and is left without meaning in life, which only makes the loneliness worse.

The solution to this can be found in the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself.” When people understand that there is sacred value to their friendships, they become better and more moral. They truly connect to one another and assuage the pain of their loneliness. As we learned, the most complete fulfillment of “love your fellow as yourself” is in a spousal relationship, which can truly make a person complete. Through this true love, one can successfully break through egotistical boundaries, loving his spouse and looking out for her, in the same way that he loves and looks out for himself.

The most salient manifestation of this love is the mitzva of sexual relations, in which, thanks to their great love and pleasure, each spouse is able to transcend personal boundaries. The husband reaches out to his wife, and she reaches out to him, and in their union they are redeemed from their loneliness. Then they can experience true, incomparable joy. Life pulses within them, connecting them with all living things, and ascending upwards to the Source of life.

Accordingly, the mitzva is called simḥat ona, the joy of marital sexual relations (Pesaḥim 72b; Avoda Zara 5a). In this joy, the divine is revealed. Maharal explains:

Do not say that sexual union is a physical act, akin to that of all other animals. This is incorrect. It was God Who gave man and woman the ability to achieve union…for His name, Ya-h, takes part along with them (Sota 17a, cited above in 1:1). That is, God brings a couple together and makes them one, so His name is within them. (Be’er Ha-gola 5:4)

This mitzva is a foretaste of the World to Come. It is like a ray of light from higher, better realms to this dark world whose screens and barriers prevent light from reaching it. The Sages even commented that our world is like night (Ḥagiga 12b).

All mitzvot should gladden a person greatly, for through them one connects to the Source of life and takes part in adding life to this world. Unfortunately, because of the barriers and screens that conceal the divine light and life, we barely sense this. True, we feel the satisfaction of doing the right thing, but we do not experience palpable, bodily pleasure in the performance of the mitzva itself. Accordingly, the Sages state: “This world is like an antechamber of the next world. Prepare yourself in the antechamber so that you may enter the main hall” (Avot 4:16). The next world is where we receive the bulk of the reward for doing the right thing.

Only in the marvelous mitzva of ona can one experience the wonderful pleasure that we should sense when fulfilling any mitzva. It is in this sense that the mitzva of ona (like the mitzva of Shabbat) is a foretaste of the next world. It is a gateway through which a person gets a privileged glimpse of the next world even while still living in this one. By properly fulfilling this mitzva, one can even experience the pleasure that is a foretaste of the next world when fulfilling other mitzvot as well (Zohar II, 259a).

In contrast, those who sin sexually – who are promiscuous, commit incest and adultery, who do not observe the laws of nidda – misdirect their passions. Instead of breaking through the barriers of egotism, creating souls, and connecting to God, they breach (portzim), in their transgressions, the good and moral framework; they are therefore called licentious (prutzim). They lose their place in this world, for they do not have the privilege of experiencing true love. They also lose their place in the next world for they do not connect to eternal, true life; instead, they inherit the abyss.

08. Redemption from Slavery Was in the Merit of This Mitzva

When our ancestors were slaves, the Egyptians wanted to prevent the men from reproducing, in order to wipe Israel out. To that end, they weighed them down with backbreaking labor from dawn to dusk and forced them to sleep in the fields instead of returning home. To the men of Israel, the situation seemed hopeless; their wives would give up on them and instead cling to their Egyptian masters. How could a husband look his wife in the eye? He was supposed to shelter her, to protect her from tyrants and oppressors, to support her and defend her honor, to be a role model for their children. Instead, he was a lowly slave under the heel of his master. In order to spare himself further humiliation, he preferred not to attempt to approach his wife. He stifled his will to live. He did not want children, because he could not provide them with a decent future. When his wife approached him, he backed away, because he was afraid that she would want to leave him soon anyway. Under such circumstances, most women would feel slighted and would try to become the second wives of their Egyptian masters. And the people of Israel would have faced extinction.

Something else took place instead. The Sages recount:

In the merit of the righteous women of that generation, Israel was redeemed from Egypt. When the women went to draw water, the Holy One arranged for small fish to enter their pitchers, so they drew up pitchers half-full of water and half-full of fish. They then set two pots on the fire, one for hot water and the other for the fish. Then they carried these to their husbands in the fields, where they bathed them, massaged them with oil, and gave them food and drink. Then they coupled with them among the sheepfolds. (Sota 11b)

It was as if each woman said to her husband, “Although you are a contemptible slave in the eyes of the Egyptians, in my eyes you are precious and important. Just as I would greet you happily if you returned home from a respectable job, so I happily greet you now. I have come to the field to wash your feet, aching after a hard day’s work, and to massage your body, bruised from beatings, because you are my husband and my love.” A midrash relates similarly:

While they ate and drank, the women held up mirrors and looked into them together with their husbands. She would say, “I am more beautiful than you,” and he would respond, “I am better looking than you.” This stimulated their desire, and they would procreate; the Holy One would ensure immediate conception…. “The Israelites were fertile and prolific; they multiplied and increased very greatly” (Shemot 1:7)…. And all this proliferation was thanks to the mirrors. (Tanḥuma Pekudei §9).

“Once they became pregnant, they went home. When it was time for them to give birth, they went to the fields” (Sota 11b).

After the Jewish people left Egypt, received the Torah, and were commanded to erect the Mishkan, every Jew donated gold, silver, copper, expensive fabrics, and precious gems for its construction. The same women who had given birth in the fields asked themselves, “Do we have anything to contribute toward the building of the Mishkan?” They went home and returned carrying the same mirrors they had used to beautify themselves. Even though they treasured these mirrors, they volunteered to donate them out of their intense passion for sanctity. But Moshe was disgusted, because he felt that the whole point of mirrors was to arouse the evil inclination. Some say that he even became angry, telling the people around him in exaggerated fashion that these women deserve to have their legs broken with sticks for their audacity in bringing these mirrors for divine service. God responded to Moshe, “You disdain these mirrors?! These mirrors produced these multitudes in Egypt! Accept them, because they are more beloved to Me than all other donations. Take them and use them to make the copper laver and its base, with which the kohanim will sanctify themselves for divine service” (Tanḥuma Pekudei §9; Rashi on Shemot 38:8).

From this story we learn something wonderful: that there is nothing more pure and holy than unconditional, life-giving love. That is why it was specifically these mirrors that were used to make the laver from which the kohanim purified and sanctified themselves in preparation for Temple service.

01. The Parameters of the Mitzva – The Pinnacle of Pleasure

The mitzva of ona is for a man to bring pleasure and joy to his wife as best he can and to achieve complete sexual union with her, lovingly and with abundant joy (as explained in 1:2 above). Every man must fulfill this mitzva as frequently as his physical stamina and professional demands allow. For most, this means twice a week (as explained further in section 7 below). A woman, too, has a mitzva to couple with her husband and to enjoy him. The more she enjoys their sexual relations, the greater the mitzva. Their sexual union must be very joyful and pleasurable. Accordingly, the mitzva is called simḥat ona, the joy of marital sexual union. Abstaining from it is deemed a type of torment (Pesaḥim 72b; Avoda Zara 5a; 1:3 above).

The mitzva of ona is independent of the mitzva of procreation. It is fulfilled through marital sexual relations even when they cannot lead to pregnancy, such as when the wife is pregnant or nursing, or when she is after menopause (above, 1:4).

The central element of this mitzva is for the husband to bring complete joy to his wife, to the point where her joy and pleasure climax in orgasm. Short of this, their sexual relations may result in frustration, for the lead-up to orgasm builds up physical and psychological tension that is blissfully released upon orgasm. If she does not experience orgasm, her tensions and frustration will generally remain.

The wife has a mitzva to be responsive and to actively participate in the mitzva as best she can, for without her desire and efforts to increase their mutual pleasure, it is impossible to fulfill the mitzva. However, if she is so exhausted or tense that it will be difficult for her to achieve orgasm, she may choose to forgo it and suffice with sexual union that brings sweet pleasure but not complete bliss. This, too, is a fulfillment of the mitzva. Nevertheless, it is best to try to ensure that it does not happen too frequently (see below, section 12 and note 12.)

The more a husband and wife give and receive pleasure at the set times (onot) of this mitzva, the better. This is also mandated by the mitzva of “love your fellow as yourself” (Vayikra 19:18), which entails a spouse looking out for the good of the other to the best of their ability. Since the greatest physical and emotional pleasure is that shared by husband and wife, if a man deprives his wife of this enjoyable pleasure, he is being oppressive, since there is no other man who can provide her with this joy. Likewise, a woman who deprives her husband of this enjoyable pleasure is being oppressive, since there is no one else in the world who can fill his void.

The mitzva is also called derekh eretz, “the way of the world,” since every healthy person yearns for pleasurable sexual union, the greatest palpable physical pleasure that a person can experience in this world. It is thus clear that when the Torah commanded the mitzva of ona, it means reaching orgasm, the peak of pleasure that people yearn for. If a husband or wife does not feel that yearning, they must try to heal themselves, so that their sexual union will be joyful for both of them.^[1]

The kabbalists said that one who does not experience sexual longing is worse than a donkey and will never be able to love God (Reishit Ḥokhma, Sha’ar Ha-ahava, end of ch. 4), for it is only through healthy human nature, itself created by God, that one can progress in one’s love for God. Anyone who is detached from the lifegiving impulse is far from faith and sanctity, and cannot act to repair the world.

02. The Man’s Duty and the Woman’s Mitzva

The obligation of ona is incumbent upon the man, as the verse states, “He shall not withhold she’erah, kesutah, or onatah” (Shemot 21:10). Ramban explains that she’erah refers to flesh-to-flesh contact during intimacy, kesutah refers to the bed and bedding used by the couple during intimacy, and onatah as referring to the conjugal act itself (Ketubot 48a; see above, 1:3). If a husband does not fulfill this mitzva and thereby causes his wife pain, he is in violation of a Torah prohibition (above, 1:2). Of course, if she does not respond joyfully to her husband, the mitzva is worthless; thus, fulfillment of the mitzva depends on both of them. Nevertheless, the primary duty is the man’s, just as the mitzva to marry is incumbent upon the man, making him responsible to court his future spouse, gain her consent to marry, and then marry her.

To understand the difference between men and women, it must be made clear that if a man does not verbally articulate his love for his wife and does not increase her pleasure by embracing and caressing her while gradually advancing toward her erogenous zones, it stands to reason that he will not manage to make her climax. One of the wonderful characteristics of women is that spirit, mind, and body are more integrated in them than they are in men. Therefore, under normal circumstances, it is only when all of these elements are brought together in love and pleasure that a woman can reach orgasm. This process is complex and takes time.

In contrast, it is the nature of men to bifurcate different realms. A man can satisfy his physical lust even without an emotional or spiritual connection. This trait can be very valuable when he needs to ignore everything going on around him and focus his energy on a single goal. It is what enables a young man to energetically court his future wife, overcome obstacles, and persist until she agrees to marry him. This is also why it is the man who performs the act of kiddushin that effects their marriage. This trait is also valuable for a soldier in battle.

On the other hand, after achieving his goal of getting married, men can sometimes lose interest in having a wholesome emotional relationship. They were so focused on getting married that they neglected to properly prepare themselves for all the challenges of married life. Because of this, a new husband is commanded not to serve in the army or take business trips during his first year of marriage, as the verse states: “He shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married” (Devarim 24:5). This allows newlyweds to build a strong foundation for their married life.

Something similar can happen during the buildup to sexual relations. A man might be very passionate beforehand, but as soon as he ejaculates, he is liable to lose interest in his wife. And since men are physiologically capable of reaching the climax of physical pleasure within minutes, without providing their wives with any joy – the mitzva of ona is incumbent upon the man, and its primary element is to bring as much joy and pleasure to his wife as he can. The Sages thus caution: “A husband may not compel his wife to fulfill the mitzva…. Any man who compels his wife to perform this mitzva will have indecent children” (Eruvin 100b).

Thus, even though marital sexual relations are a mitzva, if their purpose is to satisfy only the man’s urges, without him trying to bring his wife pleasure, there is no mitzva. Thus, because of women’s nature, the husband has to make sure to express his love for his wife. This will give their sexual union greater depth and wholesomeness.

Conversely, when a woman does not desire to be intimate with her husband, is not responsive to his advances, and does not experience joy with him, she actively countermands the mitzva. The mitzva is to bring her joy, so when she is not happy, the mitzva is completely undermined. If this situation persists, she will destroy their home. As we learned, if a woman claims that she finds her husband repulsive, he must divorce her, but she forfeits her ketuba (Ketubot 63b). He must divorce her because it is impossible to maintain a marriage without the joy of sexual relations, but she forfeits her ketuba because she breached the most basic essence of marriage.^[2]

03. The Man’s Mitzva

A few hours before having sexual relations, a husband should express his love for his wife and his eager anticipation of their upcoming intimacy. Doing so will correspondingly arouse his wife, filling her with love and desire. They should both take care during these hours not to broach subjects likely to lead to an argument, or subjects that are a source of stress for either one of them, so as not to derogate from the joy of the mitzva. The Sages state that whoever raises a subject that could ruin the joy of the mitzva will have to answer for it in the future. Thus, commenting upon the verse, “For behold, He forms mountains and creates winds; He reveals his words (siḥo) to a person” (Amos 4:13), the Talmud informs us that God holds us responsible even for “excess words (siḥa) between husband and wife” (Ḥagiga 5a, following the interpretation of Raavad; Baḥ, OḤ 280:2).

As the couple becomes intimate, it is a mitzva for the husband to tell his wife how much he loves her. He should not hold back any compliment – about her beauty, her character, and whatever else he knows will bring her joy (Zohar I 49b; Tikkunei Zohar 57:1). This does not mean he should make things up; rather, after thinking about how deeply he loves his wife, he should offer truthful compliments. One may stretch the truth a bit, however, for it is only due to our own shortcomings that we fail to see that our hyperboles are closer to the truth than we realize (see Ketubot 17a).

Included in the mitzva are embracing, kissing, and caressing anywhere that is pleasurable, and in any way that is enjoyable. The mitzva is to proceed gradually, from areas where touch is pleasant to the erogenous zones, until finally reaching the clitoris, where touch produces the most arousal and pleasure. Every woman should know her body so that, if necessary, she can teach her husband how to bring her pleasure. Since every person is different, part of the mitzva is for the couple to openly discuss what gives them pleasure; the husband should ask his wife how he can increase her joy, and she will respond and open up to him. And having aroused her to a state of intense pleasure, they proceed to the consummation of their sexual union.

For most couples, it is best for the husband to try to enable his wife to reach orgasm before him, for otherwise, there is concern that he will be drained of desire and unable to bring her joy as he should. It should be noted that in the past, apparently, in most circumstances, women could achieve orgasm during coitus itself, whereas nowadays, for various reasons, many women do not reach orgasm during coitus, only through manual stimulation of the clitoris. In that case, this is how to perform the mitzva, and from this they proceed to the consummation of their sexual union.

It has always been a virtue of Torah scholars and Torah-oriented Jews that they bring joy to their wives, as is proper. For that reason, the Sages admonish fathers not to marry off their daughters to coarse ignoramuses (amei ha-aretz): “If one marries his daughter to an am ha’aretz, it is as if he has left her tied up in front of a lion. Just like a lion attacks and devours its prey with no shame, so, too, an am ha’aretz beats and penetrates his wife shamelessly” (Pesaḥim 49b). In other words, just as a lion devours its prey and begins eating while it is still alive, so an am ha’aretz penetrates his wife in order to satisfy his own urges and does not delay so that his wife can experience pleasure and joy as well.^[3]

04. Derekh Eretz

God created man and woman to yearn for one another naturally. This sexual attraction is a good thing; indeed it is the foundation of the mitzva of ona. The Sages declare: “The way of the world (derekh eretz) preceded the Torah” (Tanna De-vei Eliyahu Rabba 1). That is, God commanded human beings to give full expression to their natural desires within the sacred framework of marriage. If people stifled their natural desires, they would not be able to fulfill the mitzva properly, nor would they be able to fulfill other mitzvot fully.

1. Yoḥanan states, “Had the Torah not been given, we would have learned modesty from the cat (which defecates in private and covers its excrement), honesty from the ant (which does not steal food from other ants), fidelity from the dove (which has monogamous relationships), and derekh eretz from the rooster, which first soothes and only then mates” (Eruvin 100b). By “soothes” R. Yoḥanan means that the rooster courts, coaxes, and seduces the hen before mating with her.

This means that there are moral principles that a person must grasp simply, through his heart and his conscience, as dictated by the natural morality that God implanted in all creatures and that even wild beasts follow. The Torah adds layers of fastidiousness, consistency, and sanctity upon this healthy natural foundation, but if a person does not instinctively grasp these values, he is lacking something basic.

The Sages tell us that it is possible to learn how to fulfill the mitzva of ona from the rooster, an animal known for its prodigious mating habits and for its expertise in the art of courtship and seduction. It is no coincidence that one of the Hebrew words for rooster is “gever,” which also means “man”. The Sages go on to interpret the rooster’s actions anthropomorphically: When he flaps his wings up and down in a broad arc, he is, as it were, promising the hen that after they mate, he will buy her a long beautiful coat that reaches the ground. After he finishes mating, he bows its head and lowers its crest in a humble pose, as if to apologize for lacking the money to buy her the coat he promised. It looks like he is swearing on the life of his glorious crest that it should be cut off should he come into money yet not buy her the coat (Eruvin 100b).

The Sages wish to teach us here that a husband should not hold back when it comes to praising and complimenting his wife for her beauty, her character, and all the good things she says and does. It is even appropriate to stretch the truth a bit, like the rooster who makes a promise that it knows it cannot keep but thereby acknowledges his love and esteem for her, saying that this is what she truly deserves. Moreover, after marital sexual relations, a man should not act like those husbands who lose interest in their wives, turn their backs, and fall asleep. Rather, he should apologize to his wife for his limitations, which do not allow him to adequately express the love and affection she deserves.

Another principle of derekh eretz that can be learned from the natural world is that it is generally the man who must initiate intimacy, as his desire is more external and obvious, and becomes apparent relatively quickly and easily. Through his passionate arousal, his wife will respond in kind and become aroused by him. These are only general guidelines, and every couple must consummate their union however their joy is maximized (n. 4 below), yet even when one spouse is disappointed by the process of courtship and seduction, they may not abrogate the set times of ona (sections 7-8 below).

It is also important to mention in the context of derekh eretz that sexual relations are often compared to a banquet (Nedarim 20b), to teach us that just as the table is set for a banquet with a nice tablecloth, a full complement of silverware and dishes, and glasses for both wine and other beverages, and just as a banquet has appetizers, desserts, and courses in between, so too we must invest this much and more in preparing for marital sexual relations, which are a mitzva of the Torah. We must proceed patiently and gradually so that the union is consummated in complete joy. Just as it is good for banquets to vary the menu from time to time, because even the most delicious food can get boring if served too often, so too the compliments that the husband pays his wife and the ways he brings joy and pleasure to his wife should be varied. Everything must be in accordance with her desires; some people are more adventurous when it comes to trying new items on the menu, and others prefer the familiar, set menu.

It should go without saying that derekh eretz includes maintaining personal hygiene and removing anything unsightly or likely to be off-putting. Getting rid of things which are off-putting is obligatory, while going above and beyond is admirable. This applies equally to both women and men. R. Ḥisda instructed his daughters before they got married to avoid foods that would give them bad breath or upset their stomachs (Shabbat 140b). Proper hygiene is so important that neglecting it is considered grounds for divorce. (See SA EH 154:1-2.) There are many guidelines and laws for specific cases, but the general rule is that since people differ, both husband and wife must be attentive and sensitive to what may bother the other. This is even truer when it comes to things which are generally viewed as disgusting.

05. The Woman’s Mitzva

As we saw in section 2, even though the mitzvot of marriage and ona devolve upon men, women are equal partners in the fulfillment of the mitzva. Without her responsiveness to her husband, the mitzva is emptied of all its meaning. Therefore, just as it is a mitzva for a man to express his love and desire for his wife, so too, it is a mitzva for a woman to express such feelings to her husband. Indeed, this is perfectly natural, as the Sages say: “A woman’s desire is only for her husband, as the Torah states (Bereishit 3:16), ‘Your desire shall be for your husband’” (Bereishit Rabba 20:7). This desire is sacred; through it, the love between the couple is revealed and the name of God dwells with them (above, 1:1). Moreover, the mutual desire of husband and wife serves as an allegory to express the relationship between God and Israel: “I am my beloved’s, and His desire is for me” (Shir Ha-shirim 7:11).

As we have seen, the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself” (Vayikra 19:18), which R. Akiva calls “a major principle of the Torah” (Sifra ad loc.), reaches its ultimate fulfillment in marriage (Arizal, Sefer Ha-likutim, Ekev). Therefore, a woman, too, must bring her husband joy through whatever she knows will give him pleasure; the more she does so, the greater her mitzva.

The stronger the couple’s love and desire for each other, the more complete their union will be, and in this merit, their children will be even more wonderful (above, 1:4 and n. 4). Maharal writes that when a woman feels intense desire for her husband, she connects to the root of life and unity, and in this merit, she has children of the utmost refinement, who are deserving of redemption and liberty (Gevurot Hashem, ch. 43). This is what the Sages mean when they say, “In the merit of the righteous women of that generation, the Jews were redeemed from Egypt” (Sota 11b). By virtue of their desire for their husbands, and their expression of this desire through the mitzva of ona, despite all the hardships of servitude, they gave birth to the generation of redemption (above, 1:8).

In order to increase love, wives often adorn themselves in jewelry for their husbands. Ezra the Scribe even allowed peddlers to sell perfumes and jewelry, over any objections of the townspeople, “so that the women would not become undesirable to their husbands” (Bava Kamma 82b). According to tradition, God beautified Ḥava and braided her hair so that Adam would love her more (Eruvin 18a). The main purpose of a woman’s accessories is to arouse her husband’s desire for her (Tanḥuma Vayishlaḥ §12; Shir Ha-shirim 1:2). R. Hai Gaon writes, “May a curse befall a woman who is married but does not adorn herself for her husband, and may a curse befall a woman who is not married, yet adorns herself” (Sha’arei Teshuva §84). It would seem that he is referring specifically to the type of adornments that men find arousing, and this teaches us the main purpose of perfume, jewelry, and beautiful clothing is to increase the love of husband and wife.

When a woman does not love her husband, does not long to be with him, and does not enjoy sexual relations with him, she can drain the joy from his life. The Sages said of this: “There is no end to the goodness of a good wife, and there is no end to the badness of a bad wife” (Midrash Tehilim §59). Making a similar point, the Talmud (Yevamot 63a) relates that R. Ḥiya gave the following blessing to Rav, his disciple: “God should save you from a fate worse than death,” referring to a bad wife, as it says (Kohelet 7:26), “I find woman more bitter than death.” (See also section 12 below regarding women who have difficulty fulfilling this mitzva.)

06. Women and the Virtue of Nonverbal Cues

The Sages say, “Any woman who propositions her husband to fulfill the mitzva [of ona] will have children the like of whom did not exist even in the generation of Moshe” (Eruvin 100b). This is what our matriarch Leah did: “When Yaakov came home from the field in the evening, Leah went out to meet him and said, ‘Come to me, for I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes.’ And he lay with her that night” (Bereishit 30:16). It was on that night that Leah conceived Yissachar, whose descendants were Torah scholars and leaders, as we read: “Of the Yissacharites, men who knew how to interpret the signs of the times, to determine how Israel should act: their chiefs were 200, and all their kinsmen followed them” (2 Divrei Ha-yamim 12:33).

The Talmud then questions this conclusion in light of the Sages’ dictum: “A woman propositions in her heart, while a man propositions verbally; this is an admirable trait in women.” If so, how could Leah have verbalized her proposition? Furthermore, how could she have been rewarded with a tribe of wise descendants? The Talmud explains that it is commendable for a woman to “make herself pleasing to him” – showing him signs of her affection and adorning herself for him to arouse his desire. That is, she propositions him “in her heart,” by means of nonverbal cues. This is what Leah did when she said, “Come to me.” She was expressing her love for Yaakov and her wish for him to come to her tent so they could sleep in the same bed and be close to one another. She did not explicitly request that they have sexual relations.

The reason that it is improper for her to verbally proposition him is that a man’s stamina is limited, and he is not always capable of fulfilling the mitzva of ona, which requires him to be pleasantly stimulated and aroused to the point that he can have intercourse with his wife. The mitzva of ona thus depends on the man and what his physical stamina and workload permit (as explained in the next section). A woman, by contrast, can achieve orgasm every night, and even multiple times in one night. Even when she is tense, making it difficult for her to achieve orgasm, she can be responsive to her husband’s advances and take pleasure in his joy. If she were to proposition him explicitly and verbally when he is in a state that would make it difficult for him to consummate their union, he might find it humiliating. Instead of eagerly anticipating sexual relations and finding it intensely pleasurable and enjoyable, he might start dreading it, fearing that he will be unable to do his duty. Sometimes this anxiety can cause impotence. Therefore, a woman should be coy and not proposition her husband verbally. Rather, she should use nonverbal cues that come from her heart, so that when he is not sure of his ability to fulfill the mitzva, he can respond affectionately but without the humiliation of being unable to reciprocate fully.

Additionally, when a man is so depressed and powerless that he actually feels impotent, devoid of his vitality and virility, and it seems to him that even if he wanted to, he does not possess the strength to stimulate an erection strong enough for sexual relations with his wife, then if he is fortunate, and his wife expresses her love and desire through nonverbal hints and cues, like with a warm embrace, it can revive him. It can awaken within him the desire and ability to fulfill the mitzva and consummate their union. Thus, she adds joy and light to his life (see 1:8 above).^[4]

07. The Times of Ona

The mitzva of ona depends on a husband’s stamina as well as his profession, as the Sages say in the Mishna: “The ona of which the Torah speaks is daily for tayalim (see below for a definition), twice a week for laborers, once a week for donkey drivers, once in thirty days for camel drivers, and once every six months for sailors” (m. Ketubot 5:6, 61b).

Some say that tayalim were healthy people whose jobs were easy and stress-free, for whom, therefore, the mitzva was each night. R. Shmuel bar Shilat is cited as an example. He taught schoolchildren near his home, his income was so modest that the king’s tax collectors left him alone, and his life was tranquil and secure (Rif and Rosh). Others say that tayalim were people who were so secure financially that they did not need to work at all, aside from some occasional management of their economic affairs that did not disturb their peace of mind (Rambam, Ri’az, Rabbeinu Yeruḥam, and Smag).^[5]

Laborers who worked locally had the mitzva of ona twice a week. Laborers who did not work locally, even if they returned home every night, had the mitzva once a week, since traveling is very draining. Donkey drivers, who transported produce from villages to markets, were generally away from home six days of the week, so their mitzva was only once a week. Camel drivers, who generally transported merchandise across long distances, would usually only return home once a month, so their mitzva of ona was once a month. Sailors, who would be at sea for half a year, had the mitzva of ona once every six months (Ketubot 62a-b; SA EH 76:5). Torah scholars, whose Torah study exhausts them, had a mitzva of ona on the eves of Shabbat, Yom Tov, and Rosh Ḥodesh (SA ad loc; MA 240:3). Some of the greatest Aḥaronim write that it is better for Torah scholars to fulfill the mitzva of ona twice a week (Me’il Tzedaka §51; Pitḥei Teshuva, EH 76:3; BHL 240:1).

A married tayal could not become a laborer without his wife’s agreement, even if his new job would improve their financial situation. Since she married him with the understanding that he was a tayal, he could not reduce the ona to which she was entitled without her consent. Similarly, a laborer whose obligation of ona was twice a week could not become a donkey driver whose obligation was once a week without his wife’s consent. Likewise, a donkey driver who wanted to become a camel driver or a camel driver who wanted to become a sailor had to ask his wife’s permission. However, a tayal who wanted to become a Torah scholar could do so due to the greatness of the mitzva of studying Torah; his wife could not protest, even though he would be reducing her ona (Ketubot 62b; SA EH 76:5; Beit Shmuel ad loc. 8).

These rulings were formulated in an age that was very different from the one we live in today. On one hand, most men work fewer hours than in the past, doing jobs that are less physically demanding. In this sense, they are most similar to tayalim. Even those who commute to work do so by car, bus, or train and are akin to local laborers, and perhaps even tayalim, as long as their commute is not terribly exhausting. On the other hand, life has become more stressful due to the competitive labor market and increased interest in news reports, sources of information, and communications media. As a result, people sleep less, which reduces their natural desire to fulfill the mitzva.

Therefore, it seems that the obligation of ona for most men is twice a week, perhaps a bit more frequent for younger people. Those whose work is particularly taxing, whether physically or emotionally, are obligated only once a week. In contrast, men who work in exceptionally easy professions are obligated more than twice a week, and perhaps even daily, like tayalim.

08. Beyond the Set Times

In addition to the set obligation of the mitzva of ona, which for most men is twice a week, it is a mitzva for every husband to have sexual relations with his wife when she desires him, as long as he has the strength for it, i.e., that he is capable of consummating the union.

Thus, the Torah’s commandment of ona has two parts. First, there are set times based on what the husband’s health and workload permit; these times provide a regular expression for the couple’s bond and mutual desire. It is precisely this regularity that gives expression to the stability of their loving relationship. It is also why the Torah refers to this mitzva as “ona,” “time,” when it mentions a man’s conjugal duties (Shemot 21:10).

Second, there is another part of the mitzva, which applies when the wife’s desire is aroused. The Torah commands the man to be responsive and to consummate their union with abundant joy. It is likewise a mitzva and a duty for the wife to be responsive to her husband, if he wishes to have sexual relations with her more often than required.^[6]

In light of the second component of the mitzva, a question arises regarding the first one: Why must the Torah establish set times for a couple to express their love for each other? Why not leave the frequency of the mitzva up to them? After all, according to the second component, if one spouse is in the mood, the other has a mitzva and an obligation to respond, even if this takes place daily. Conversely, if, over the course of several weeks, neither husband nor wife initiates intimacy, why must they be instructed to have sexual relations at set times?

There are three answers to this question. First, it often happens that as the years go by, life’s demands grow. Since sexual relations are no longer new and special as at first, the couple are liable to push it off, one time because of exhaustion, another time because of a preoccupation, the next time for a headache, and the time after that an upset stomach. Even though each time they both agree to forgo the mitzva, in fact their loving relationship is weakened. Deep in their hearts, each one is hurt that the other does not yearn for more intimacy, and when one does not initiate, the other also loses interest, deepening their sense of insult and the growing distance between them. Therefore, the mitzva of ona is there to instruct them to fulfill the onot on a regular basis. Only on rare occasions, when they are especially tense, may they forgo the mitzva by mutual consent.

Second, if the mitzva were always dependent on one spouse expressing desire, there would be concern that the spouse who is more often in the mood would become ashamed to always be the one to initiate. In contrast, when both husband and wife know that they have a mitzva to have sexual relations twice a week, they will fulfill the mitzva on a regular basis, and the need to indicate the desire for additional intimacy can be reserved for when one of them is feeling particularly amorous.

Third, as we mentioned above (section 4), the mitzva must be done with full attentiveness, with attention to tiny detail, much like an elaborate banquet. The Sages assessed how frequently a couple can fulfill the mitzva of ona in a wholesome manner, and this is consequently the mitzva of the Torah. If the man goes too far beyond this frequency, there is concern that it will become superficial for him, something he does just to satisfy his urges, without bringing proper pleasure to his wife. The unique joy of the mitzva would wane. To avoid that, and to ensure that the mitzva can be fulfilled properly, the Sages set a fixed frequency. Nevertheless, this is a general guideline; when a woman yearns for more, it is a mitzva for her husband to be responsive if he is able. Likewise, when a man yearns for more and feels that he can properly pleasure his wife, this, too, fulfills a mitzva.^[7]

09. Mikveh Night and the Night Before Traveling

It is a mitzva for a man to have sexual relations with his wife on the night she immerses in the mikveh (SA EH 76:4). If he does not do so, he has neglected a mitzva of the Torah and violated the severe transgression of causing his wife pain, for it is extremely insulting for a woman to immerse and purify herself only for her husband to have no desire to be intimate with her. This night is considered a set time of ona; if their mitzva is twice a week, then this is considered their first time for that week.

A man about to travel has a mitzva to have sexual relations with his wife the night before his departure (Yevamot 62b; SA EH 76:4), because their yearning to be together is especially strong then, as it is written: “You will know that all is well (shalom) in your tent; when you visit your wife, you will never sin” (Iyov 5:24). In fulfilling this mitzva before traveling, the husband takes leave of his wife with love, joy, and peace (shalom). They will not sin or betray each other while apart, neither in thought nor in deed. However, if the purpose of the journey is to fulfill a mitzva, and if having sexual relations will interfere with that mitzva, then ona is not obligatory (Rashi; Nimukei Yosef).^[8]

The mitzva of ona applies before any trip that evokes feelings of separation and longing, which may differ from person to person. Still, minimally, it refers to a trip that involves at least one night away from home. It is also obvious that if the trip will last long enough that they will have to forgo one set ona time, then even without feelings of longing, there is a mitzva for the couple to have sexual relations on the night before departure.

The same law applies when the wife must travel away from home. If her trip prompts feelings of longing or if it causes a set time of ona to be missed, there is a mitzva for her and her husband to have sexual relations the night before she leaves.

When a trip is planned for the day before mikveh night, it is a mitzva to postpone the trip until after the wife immerses and they fulfill the mitzva of ona (Rema, YD 184:10).

Some authorities maintain that there is also a mitzva for a couple to have sexual relations when one of them returns from such a trip (Zohar I 50a; Rashba; Ba’er Heitev 240:19). Certainly, if either spouse wishes to be intimate at this point, all agree that the mitzva of ona applies. It speaks well for their relationship if, after one of them has been away, they wish to be intimate with each other and joyfully fulfill this mitzva.

10. Friday Night

The Sages say that the habit of Torah scholars is to fulfill the mitzva of ona on Friday night (Ketubot 62b), and of them it is written, “That yields its fruit in its season” (Tehilim 1:3). Halakhic authorities add that it is a mitzva for Torah scholars to fulfill the mitzva of ona on the nights of Yom Tov and Rosh Ḥodesh (MA 240:3). There are several reasons for this. First, by fulfilling the mitzva of ona, the couple also fulfills the mitzva of oneg Shabbat (making Shabbat a delight), and it is likewise proper to be extra joyful on Yom Tov and Rosh Ḥodesh. Moreover, holy days are fitting times to fulfill the mitzva of ona, as we find that after the giving of the Torah and the dedication of the Temple, Israel fulfilled the mitzva of ona (1:6 above). In addition, on these days, Torah scholars study less Torah than usual, and therefore they are more available to fulfill the mitzva of ona in the most complete way.

The mitzva to have sexual relations on Shabbat is not limited to Torah scholars. Rather, it is a mitzva for all couples, as a fulfillment of oneg Shabbat. In the words of Shulḥan Arukh: “Marital intimacy is one of the pleasures of Shabbat” (280:1).

However, sometimes it is difficult or uncomfortable to be intimate on Friday night. People are often tired then, whether from working all week long or from Shabbat preparations, and exhaustion makes it difficult to fulfill the mitzva in the ideal way. Since the essence of the Torah commandment is for their union to be joyful, if either spouse is so tired on Friday night that they will find it difficult to truly enjoy themselves, it is preferable for them to fulfill the mitzva of ona on Saturday night or on a different night when they are not tired. Although Zohar speaks of the great value of fulfilling the mitzva of ona on Shabbat, since the essence of the mitzva is for it to be joyful, when fulfilling it on Shabbat will detract from the joy, waiting until Saturday night is preferable.^[9]

11. Men Who Have Difficulty Fulfilling the Mitzva

Everything we have learned regarding the man’s duty of ona relates to healthy men, who transgress a Torah prohibition if they subtract from the set frequency for ona. If this behavior continues, it is obvious grounds for divorce, and the wife receives her ketuba payment in full (1:2 above). However, if a man’s difficulty in fulfilling the mitzva at the set times is attributable to a health problem, his only obligation is to do what the doctors deem him capable of (SA EH 76:3). Since problems often stem from specific hormone deficiencies or other medical conditions, and most of these issues are now treatable, he is obligated to consult with doctors. Occasionally, psychological or emotional problems are what cause him to forgo onot or to not make his wife as happy as he should. He must seek treatment for these issues as well. If it is a minor issue, consulting a rabbi is usually effective. If the problem is serious, he must seek the help of a God-fearing therapist who specializes in that area. If the husband neglects to deal with the problem appropriately, he negates a Torah commandment. Because he is not properly fulfilling the times of ona, his wife may file for divorce, and he must pay her ketuba in full.

If the husband has done his best to correct the problem by consulting with doctors and therapists, yet is still unable to fulfill the mitzva of ona on a regular basis, then as long as he manages to consummate their relationship at least once every six months, thus meeting the least frequent requirement for ona, namely, the practice of sailors (section 7 above), it is not grounds for divorce and payment of the ketuba. If he cannot meet even this minimum threshold, his wife can decide how to proceed. If she is willing to live with him in this state, she is permitted to do so, and if she wants to divorce, her husband must divorce her and pay her ketuba in full (SA EH 76:11). It goes without saying that even a man who cannot fully consummate their relationship must still please his wife and gladden her with kisses, embraces, and caresses that bring her to orgasm. In general, if a husband does this, even though he cannot engage in intercourse, his wife will not want to divorce him.^[10]

If one’s wife is truly willing to forgo ona, her relinquishment is valid as long as her husband has already fulfilled the mitzva of procreation. However, if he has not yet fulfilled this mitzva, he is required to fulfill all the set times of ona during which there is a chance that she will get pregnant. If he is unable to fulfill his conjugal duties, he must heed the instruction of doctors to fulfill his mitzva (SA EH 76:6).

Even when the husband has already fulfilled the mitzva of procreation and the wife is willing to forgo ona, he should preferably not give up on this mitzva. Rather, he should get medical advice about what might allow him to fulfill ona properly, since that is the proper and healthy way to live. A person should try to fulfill all the mitzvot even when there is no absolute obligation to do so (such as wearing tzitzit or undertaking acts of kindness). Similarly, he should make every effort to fulfill this precious and holy mitzva, which is responsible for the Shekhina dwelling in the world in general and with the couple in particular.^[11]

12. Women Who Have Difficulty Fulfilling the Mitzva

As we learned (section 1 above), the essence of the mitzva is for a husband to pleasure his wife and give her as much joy as he can, until she reaches orgasm. However, this is not in the hands of the husband alone; sometimes, despite his best efforts, his wife will not reach orgasm. There can be various reasons which may account for this. As we already learned (section 2), a woman’s spiritual, psychological, and physical selves are more integrated than a man’s, so when a woman is preoccupied or exhausted, or if she does not recognize the value of the mitzva, it is possible that all attempts will fail to bring her to orgasm. On the contrary, the effort may well leave her frustrated and sad, because as pleasure builds toward its climax, it produces a great physical and psychological yearning to reach orgasm and the release that accompanies it. When that has not been fulfilled, it leaves profound frustration. If a woman repeatedly experiences this frustration, she might prefer to forgo the attempt to have an orgasm altogether, in order to avoid the despondency that follows failure.

Therefore, when a woman knows that it will be difficult for her to reach orgasm, she can forgo the attempt and still enjoy the pleasant gratification that accompanies the conjugal act itself. To that end, her husband must pleasure her gently, and she should be responsive to him and receive him lovingly. This way they can fulfill the mitzva on a be-di’avad level. As long as they usually succeed in fulfilling the mitzva le-khatḥila, wherein the wife reaches orgasm, and only occasionally rely on what is permitted be-di’avad, this is natural and normal, and they should not feel bad about it at all. But they should make every effort to ensure that this does not happen often.

When the situation is not as good, and the wife usually does not reach orgasm, the couple must figure out the reason and find a solution. Sometimes the problem stems from exhaustion or stress, in which case they must adjust their lifestyles so that they are more balanced: reducing stress, getting more sleep, or at least making sure to get enough sleep in anticipation of intimacy. Sometimes, the problem occurs early in married life, when a couple has not yet learned how to bring the wife to orgasm, in which case they must learn how to fulfill the mitzva properly. They should not neglect the problem, since this mitzva is no less holy than the other mitzvot. Of course, if the wife knows that something specific will be more enjoyable for her, she should not be embarrassed to tell her husband.

If, despite all efforts, a husband is unsuccessful in pleasuring his wife and bringing her to orgasm, it is a mitzva for him to consult a rabbi or specialist, or for her to consult a rabbanit or a specialist. Sometimes simple suggestions can solve the problem, in which case a rabbi or rabbanit can help. Sometimes it is necessary to delve deeper into the internal barriers to their union, and sometimes the barrier is the result of a medical condition, in which case it is necessary to consult a specialist. In any case, the couple has an obligation to treat the problem so that they can fulfill the mitzva properly.

In the meantime, while they are trying to resolve the problems, they must make sure to keep to the regular frequency of ona. As long as the wife gains some pleasure from intercourse itself or from the associated embraces and caresses, then even though their situation is be-di’avad, they are still fulfilling the mitzva. But if the wife does not experience even this pleasure, the situation is grave. They must continue to have intercourse on a regular basis, thereby upholding the covenant of their marriage, but they are fulfilling only the bare minimum of the mitzva, as when a mitzva is fulfilled under extenuating circumstances. However, as we have said, this must not suffice for them; they are obligated to seek help and to consult with experts so that they can fulfill the mitzva le-khatḥila. For when the wife does not enjoy the mitzva, she is left feeling empty, and it is also very hurtful to her husband, as he, too, is prevented from experiencing the most profound joy. Instead of his desire to be intimate with his wife being received joyfully and leading to a wholesome and noble union, he is left lonely and miserable; his sexual desire seems like a contemptible lust that forces him to have sex with his wife in order to satisfy his urges and avoid sin.

Nevertheless, if they made every effort but did not manage to find a remedy for their condition, they should still make sure to have sexual relations on a regular basis, fulfilling the mitzva under these extenuating circumstances. The kindness and compassion that they have for one another and their fulfillment of their moral obligations toward one another, as the Torah commands, will sanctify their marriage covenant.^[12]

13. Flawed Sexual Union and the Resulting Children

The Sages commend those who sanctify themselves during marital sexual relations, stating that they will merit having good children (Shevu’ot 18b). This “sanctity” entails the couple concentrating solely on their wholehearted love for one another. The greater their love, and the greater their wish for good and righteous children, the holier their sexual union, through which they merit having such children (above, 1:4 and 2:5-6; below, 3:3).

In contrast, the less love and devotion they have toward one another, the more flawed their sexual union, and the greater the likelihood of imperfections within their children. The Talmud lists nine types of flaws in marital sexual relations as well as the resulting imperfections in children conceived through such unions: “Children of fear and rape; children of antipathy; children of ostracism; children of exchange; children of strife; children of drunkenness; children of estrangement; children of entanglement; and children of brazenness” (Nedarim 20b):^[13]

1. Children of fear and rape: The husband threatens his wife and coerces her into having sexual relations, or the wife forces her husband to have sexual relations with her with coercion or intimidation.
2. Children of antipathy: The husband despises his wife and has sex with her only to satisfy his urges, or the wife despises her husband and has sex with him only to satisfy her urges.
3. Children of ostracism: The couple has sexual relations when one of them has been excommunicated. Although a person who is excommunicated is not prohibited from having sexual relations (Shakh, YD 334:12), nevertheless, since the rest of the community must distance themselves from such people until they repair their actions, sexual intimacy with them does not have the proper devotion and joy.
4. Children of exchange: During sexual intercourse, the husband is thinking about another woman or the wife about another man.
5. Children of strife: The couple is in the middle of an argument and they have sexual relations before making up. Their quarrel does not permit them to forgo their ona, but they have a duty to make up before having sexual relations.
6. Children of drunkenness: If a couple has sexual relations while one of them is drunk, their union lacks the complete focus on their love and unity.
7. Children of estrangement: When one of the couple wants to divorce, even if they still have love for each other, their union is incomplete.
8. Children of entanglement: A woman divorces and remarries someone else within three months (leading to confusion about paternity).
9. Children of brazenness: When a woman demands sex from her husband in a brazen, coarse, or foul-mouthed manner, or a husband from his wife, such a union contains no love, only the satisfying of lust.
10. Masekhet Kalla (1:16) introduces a tenth category, children of sleeping: When a man has sexual relations with his wife while she is sleeping, such a union lacks mutual love.

It is said of people conceived under these nine circumstances that since their souls are drawn down to this world by means of a union devoid of love and unity, they are flawed, making it difficult for them to connect to the sacred or to overcome their evil impulses. In addition, when parents lack love and understanding, their feelings of distance and alienation negatively impact the children, who need an environment of love, friendship, stability, and emotional warmth in order to thrive.

Of course, children conceived under these circumstances have free will like everyone else, and if they choose to do what is right, their reward will be even greater, for they will have overcome their evil impulse as well as the poor role models they witnessed at home. However, if they do not make the effort to improve themselves, their tendency toward wickedness will prevail.

When peaceful harmony between husband and wife is compromised throughout the Jewish people, and many children are conceived from flawed unions, it causes a rift between God and the Jewish people, leading to the exile of the people from their land. The purpose of the travails of exile is to purge Israel of its sinners and rebels, born of flawed unions, and to restore and rekindle faith, leading to Israel’s ultimate redemption. As it says, “I will remove from you those who rebel and transgress against Me; I will take them out of the countries where they sojourn, but they shall not enter upon the soil of Israel. Then you shall know that I am the Lord” (Yeḥezkel 20:38; see also 20:40-44).

14. Inappropriate Times for Sexual Relations

Marital sexual relations are prohibited during times of national crisis, such as widespread famine or war. Only those who have not yet fulfilled the mitzva of procreation may be intimate during such times (Ta’anit 11a; SA 240:12; MB ad loc. 47). On mikveh night, many permit marital sexual relations even in times of crisis (SA 574:4). Others are stringent (MA). If a man’s urge is overpowering him, making him likely to sin, he may have sexual relations with his wife even when the world is in crisis (MB 240:46).

On Yom Kippur and Tisha Be-Av, sexual relations are forbidden as one of the five activities prohibited on these major fast days. In order to ensure that they not end up sinning, husband and wife should behave on these days as they do while she is a nidda. That is, they should neither touch each other, nor sleep in the same bed (SA 615:1; MB ad loc. 1). However, during the day of Tisha Be-Av, which is not as strict, they may touch, since there is little concern that it will lead to intimacy. Still, even on the day of Tisha Be-Av, they may not touch affectionately or sleep in the same bed (Peninei Halakha: Zemanim 10:9; Peninei Halakha: Yamim Nora’im 8:7).

A person observing the seven-day mourning period (shiva) may not have sexual relations, because the mitzva of ona must be fulfilled joyfully, while a mourner is grieving (Mo’ed Katan 15b; SA YD 383:1). However, a mourner need not observe the additional rabbinical restrictions (harḥakot) of nidda. Therefore, husband and wife may touch, and she may make his bed in his presence. Still, hugging and kissing of a sexual nature are prohibited (Rema, YD 383:1; Nehar Mitzrayim, Hilkhot Avelut §113; Shulḥan Gavo’ah 342:14). If the mourner plans to sleep in their own bed, the couple must separate their beds to avoid a situation that may lead to sexual intimacy (SA ad loc.). It would seem that a comforting hug and a polite kiss are permitted, as long as they are not sexual in nature. Upon conclusion of the shiva, the couple should resume fulfilling the mitzva of ona completely. It is even a mitzva for the wife to adorn herself for that purpose, even during the thirty-day mourning period (SA YD 381:6).^[14]

15. Privacy

Privacy (tzni’ut; lit. “hiddenness”) is an expression of the sanctity of the mitzva of ona; Rashi explains the Sages’ exhortation to sanctify oneself: “Engage in sexual relations in a private manner” (Nidda 71a). This precious mitzva is meant to express the complete unity between husband and wife, so it is forbidden to expose it before others, and it is forbidden for others to discuss it. Every couple has its own special way of being together, which encompasses a whole world. Any couple lucky enough to be madly in love feels that there is nothing else like their love in the whole world. The Kabbala likewise explains that at the moment when husband and wife achieve true unity, light and blessing spread through all the worlds. Since their union is so profound, it should be kept like a secret between them.

Sexual intimacy must therefore take place at home or in an enclosed, private area. It is forbidden to have intercourse in public or in an open space, even if there is no one there to see it. Those who do so look like they are behaving promiscuously and habituating themselves to sinfulness, for which they deserve to be punished (Sanhedrin 46a; SA EH 25:4). It is forbidden to have sexual relations in the presence of any other person, even someone who is sleeping, for they may wake up. Technically, a couple may have sexual relations in the presence of a preverbal baby; however, this, too, is inappropriate, and is therefore permitted only when there is no other option, and when the baby is sleeping. If the baby wakes up while the couple are still having intercourse, they may continue. Le-khatḥila, there should not be pets, such as dogs or cats, present.

It is customary for the couple to be under covers during sexual intercourse, even where there is no light (see Darkhei Tahara 22:39).

The couple must keep the time of their sexual relations private. During intercourse, they should be careful that their voices cannot be heard by others. It is also proper for the wife to be discreet about when she goes to the mikveh, so that no one will sense that she is going (Rema, YD 198:48).

To ensure that intimacy takes place joyfully and in private, without concern that children or guests might suddenly enter the room, the couple should make sure to lock the door to their room. They should do so every night when they go to sleep, so that it is not obvious when they are fulfilling the mitzva. They should also not let one of the children sleep in their room.

Husband and wife should not tell others about their lovemaking practices. Only when necessary, to seek guidance and obtain advice, may this information be divulged. Furthermore, a couple may not speak about their intimacy in a coarse or foul-mouthed manner, such as in the manner of those who tell dirty jokes (MT, Laws of Dispositions 5:4).It is likewise forbidden to talk about anyone else’s sex lives unnecessarily, and all such talk is considered nivul peh (vulgar, explicit, or foul language). It transforms vibrant discussion whose purpose is to increase blessing into repulsive, dead speech. Such talk can be compared to a decaying carcass (nevela), which is forbidden to eat. The Sages say, “Everyone knows why a bride enters the ḥuppa, but if someone speaks about it in a vulgar manner, then even if the heavenly court had sealed a decree of seventy good years on his behalf, it will all turn bad on him” (Shabbat 33a).

Guests may have sexual relations as long as they have a closed room, there is no concern that the hosts will be aware of it, and they leave no evidence on the sheets.

It is proper for a couple to refrain from behaving in a way that expresses their desire for one another in front of others (Rema, EH 21:5). A polite hug or kiss, in a society where this is considered acceptable, is not a breach of modesty, but if it expresses sexual desire, it is immodest, for the love between husband and wife is a very deep and personal matter. Exposing it in front of others trivializes it and cheapens it. The couple should also be sensitive to the fact that such displays of affection can cause pain and stir up jealousy among those who are not privileged to be in such a relationship.^[15]

16. Sexual Intimacy with the Lights On

It is forbidden to have sexual relations during the day, as it is forbidden to do so in the light. This is a matter of modesty and privacy, which is a characteristic Jewish trait (Yevamot 79a). The Sages said, “The Jewish people are holy; they do not have sexual relations during the day” (Nidda 17a). Similarly, it is prohibited to have sexual relations at night where there is light (SA 240:11). This does not mean that the room must be pitch dark; rather, if moonlight comes into the room, sexual relations are permitted as long as it does not truly illuminate them. Some people are stringent when possible, closing the blinds or curtains to block out even this light (see MB 240:39).

This prohibition is limited to the conjugal act itself, which must be private and hidden, deep and sublime, as befits this holy mitzva. There is also a concern that perhaps in the light, a man’s wife will seem less attractive to him. The basis of their love is infinite, transcending external beauty, but when they have sexual relations in the light, it becomes limited, dependent on external appearances, and no longer an expression of their endless love. The inner beauty and mystery of their lovemaking is liable to dissipate, which can have a deleterious effect on their relationship. We find a similar phenomenon in the Amida prayer: because it is so sublime and profound, it must be whispered, unlike the other prayers and blessings, which are said aloud. (See Tikkunei Zohar §10, 25a for the comparison of intimacy with the Amida.)

In a darkened room, since it is nightlike, sexual relations are permitted even during the day. If a couple find that their lovemaking is more enjoyable during the day (for example, when they know they will be too tired at night), it is better for them to have sexual relations during the day, in a darkened room. The Talmud relates that this was the custom of King Monobaz’s household, whom the Sages praised for fulfilling the mitzva of ona joyfully (Nidda 17a). Likewise, if a man returns home in the middle of the day from the army or a long trip, he and his wife may darken their room and have sexual relations during the day, even le-khatḥila. Nevertheless, when there is no special need or advantage to having sexual relations during the day, it is best saved for the night, the time that is most suitable and affords the most privacy.

In a time of need, when it is impossible to make the room dark, a Torah scholar may have relations with his wife during the day, provided that they cover their bodies and heads with a blanket. The Sages did not extend this permit to others even in times of need, lest they become lax in this regard (Rema 240:11). However, under pressing circumstances, when a man sees that his urges are overpowering him and he is liable to violate the prohibition of wasting seed (hotza’at zera le-vatala), he may have relations with his wife during the day, on condition that they cover their bodies and heads with a blanket (Ḥokhmat Adam 128:9; SHT 240:25).

At night, if a couple is in a room with lights on or a lit candle, they may not have sexual relations even if they cover themselves with a blanket. Rather, they must put out the light. Even on Friday night, when it is forbidden to put out the lights, they may not have sexual relations even when completely covered by a blanket, as the Sages proscribed relations in a lit-up room (SA 240:11). If the light is coming from outside the room, then the law is the same as during the day; in times of need, a Torah scholar may be lenient and rely on the darkness provided by a blanket, and under pressing circumstances, anyone may rely on this leniency (MB ad loc. 41).^[16]

17. In the Presence of Sacred Texts

Even though the sanctity of the mitzva of ona is very great, it is still necessary to separate different realms; the mitzva of ona involves unbounded physical liberation and joy, whereas Torah must be studied with a sense of dread, awe, fear, and trembling, and a Torah scroll must be treated with seriousness and gravity (as explained below, 3:9). Therefore, marital relations are forbidden in a room in which there is a Torah scroll written with ink on parchment as it was written at Mount Sinai. If at all possible, the Torah scroll should be removed from the room. If that is not an option, a barrier must be set up between the Torah and the bed in such a way that the scroll is considered to be in a separate domain. The barrier must be at least ten tefaḥim (30 in or 76 cm) high and four amot (6 ft or 1.82 m) wide (Darkhei Tahara 22:41). The scroll must also not be visible to the couple.

It is forbidden to have sexual relations in a room where there are tefilin, a mezuza, or any other handwritten sacred text. However, if one covers these objects with two covers, it is permitted. The regular tefilin case or mezuza cover can serve as the first cover, but the second covering must be specifically for this purpose. The tefilin must be covered with a sheet or towel or placed in an additional case. Usually, a mezuza already has two covers, at least one of which is opaque, making it permissible to have sexual relations (or change a baby’s diaper, etc.) in that room.

As for printed Torah texts on a shelf or elsewhere in the room, their binding serves as one cover, and it is proper to cover them with an additional cover, like cloth or paper. Under pressing circumstances, when this is impossible to do so, they may have sexual relations provided that they make sure to cover themselves with a blanket, so that they are not naked in the presence of the books.^[17]

Some say that it is necessary to perform netilat yadayim (ritual handwashing) after relations (Shlah; Darkhei Tahara 24:3). However, in practice, there is no obligation to do this, and those who wish to go straight to sleep may do so.^[18]

18. Anal Intercourse

Normal sexual intercourse is vaginal, but some people desire anal intercourse, which the Talmud calls bi’a she-lo ke-darka, “abnormal intercourse.” Clearly, if anal sexual intercourse is painful for the wife or done against her wishes, it is forbidden. But what if she consents or even desires it? The Talmud records (Nedarim 20b) that the Sages ruled that it is not prohibited. On the other hand, we learn (Yevamot 34b) that the sin of Yehuda’s sons, Er and Onan, was that they penetrated Tamar anally, thereby wasting their seed. This was evil in God’s eyes (Bereishit 38:7 and 38:10), and He put them to death.

Most Rishonim explain that when a couple engages in anal intercourse in order to avoid pregnancy, it is considered a waste of seed and is forbidden. However, if they engage in it occasionally, it is not prohibited. Some Rishonim explain that the Sages permitted anal sexual intercourse as long as the husband does not ejaculate in the anus. Rather, the couple must later engage in vaginal intercourse, culminating in ejaculation. Some halakhic authorities forbid even this.

In practice, a man who feels a need may rely on the opinion of most poskim, who permit this on occasion, as long as his wife consents.^[19]

Some say that even vaginal intercourse should take place with the man on top of the woman, face to face (i.e., the missionary position). Some are very insistent on this. Although there is something virtuous about this, technically all possible positions are permitted, as long as both spouses desire them. If changing position enhances the pleasure of either spouse, then doing so is a fulfillment of the mitzva of simḥat ona. However, if neither spouse wants to change, it is preferable for their sexual relations to take place in the optimal manner, namely the missionary position. Even if they find a different position more enjoyable, when they are trying to conceive it is better to use the missionary position.^[20]

19. Oral Sex

The Talmud relates that R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai said, “The ministering angels told me four things…. Why are people born mute? Because [their fathers] kissed the vagina…. Why are people born blind? Because [their fathers] gazed at the vagina” (Nedarim 20a). However, at the conclusion of the discussion, the Talmud states that this is a solitary opinion, whereas the Sages’ opinion is that these practices are not prohibited (ibid. 20b).

Some Rishonim are stringent, saying that cunnilingus is forbidden, as is gazing at the vagina, though there is no danger involved (Raavad). Other Rishonim say that doing so is permitted, but that it is pious to show concern for potential danger (Smak). Nevertheless, according to the vast majority of Rishonim, R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai’s opinion is rejected, and the halakha follows the Sages, who maintain that doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous. Some of those Rishonim even maintain that there is no less holiness in doing so (Yere’im). Many, though, think that while doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous, a holier and more modest practice is to refrain (Rambam; Smak; Rema, EH 25:2).

In practice, since most Rishonim are lenient, and even those who forbid it agree that the prohibition is rabbinic, it is not prohibited. However, because most Rishonim feel that modesty and holiness make it preferable to be stringent, it is proper to show concern for their opinion (Rema, EH 25:2). However, if one spouse finds it very enjoyable, and their enjoyment will be marred without it, then the joy of the mitzva of ona overrides the stringent opinions, and the couple should follow the majority of the poskim. If they wish to be stringent, they can refrain from this when there is a possibility of conception. If either spouse finds it repulsive, they should follow the stringent view.

There are no limitations on a wife seeing or kissing her husband’s penis. Still, they should not do anything that repulses either one of them. If a specific act is particularly enjoyable for one of them, then even if the other one is not so interested in it, as long as they are not repulsed, there is an element of mitzva in it, for whatever adds to the love and joy of their intimate relations is part of the mitzva of ona as well as the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself.”^[21]

01. Depraved Lust

The human sex drive is a powerful thing; it can be extraordinarily positive, and it can drag people down to the depths of depravity. It can lead a person to pursue another person’s spouse, to engage in forbidden sexual relations, to destroy families, and ruin lives in this world as well as the next. A person in the thrall of this powerful urge can lose all discretion and act irrationally. As the Sages commented about sin in general and this sin in particular: “A person does not commit a sin unless a spirit of foolishness enters him” (Sota 3a).

Thus, we find people who really want to do the right thing, who marry with every intention of being faithful to their spouse, yet who give space to the evil inclination, which becomes more and more powerful. Eventually, they reach the point where they are prepared to break their wedding vows, betray their spouse, make their children miserable, throw away their money, and destroy their social standing.

The wise author of Mishlei warns of this numerous times: “It will save you from the other woman, from the foreign woman whose talk is smooth…. Her house sinks down to death, and her course leads to the shades. All who go to her cannot return and find again the paths of life” (2:16-19). He further adjures: “My son, listen to my wisdom; incline your ear to my insight…for the lips of another woman drip honey; her mouth is smoother than oil; but in the end she is as bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold of She’ol…. Let your fountain be blessed; find joy in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful mountain goat. Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be infatuated with love of her always. Why be infatuated, my son, with another woman? Why clasp the bosom of a foreign woman?” (5:1-20). And finally: “It will keep you from an evil woman, from the smooth tongue of a forbidden woman. Do not lust for her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes. The last loaf of bread will go for a harlot; a married woman will snare a person of honor” (6:24-26).^[1]

02. Free Will

Since desire and lust can bring a person so low, some gentile philosophers and theologians maintain that the way to reach spiritual heights is to stay as far as possible from lust and desire. Some rejected marriage entirely, and other support marriage solely for the purpose of procreation while admonishing men and women alike to stay as far as they can from carnal lust, as it is shameful for people to so degrade themselves.

The Torah, however, teaches that there is nothing shameful about sexual relations between husband and wife, for this is how God created people, and something that is so basic to the very existence of the world, that brings new life into the world, cannot possibly be shameful. On the contrary, it contains an element of sanctity (Maharal, Be’er Ha-gola 5:4).

God created us with a good impulse and an evil impulse, commanding us to choose the good: “I call heaven and earth today to witness against you this day: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse; choose life – so that you and your offspring will live” (Devarim 30:19).

The root of both impulses is one, and God gave us free will to direct our impulse toward good or toward evil. Consider our craving for food: it can be channeled toward gluttony, which destroy health and causes people to forget Godly ideals, or it can be directed toward refined consumption that gives a person the opportunity to thank God and increases joy and health. The stronger and more important an impulse, the greater its power, for good or evil. There is nothing stronger than the human sex drive, through which new life is born and divine unity is revealed in the world. Therefore, when this desire is directed toward evil, toward promiscuity and adultery, there is nothing worse. But when it is directed toward good, increasing love and unity between spouses, there is nothing nobler or holier.

This is the meaning of the statement, “If husband and wife are worthy, the Shekhina is with them; if they are not, fire consumes them” (Sota 17a; see 1:1 above). When a couple expresses their natural drives within the sacred framework of marriage, the Shekhina dwells with them. However, if they direct their sexual drive toward promiscuity and adultery, God’s presence disappears. They are left only with the fire of their lust, which will never be satisfied. It will consume them in this world and the next.

03. Two Levels of Sanctity in Marriage

There are two levels in the sanctity of marriage. The basic level is when a couple upholds their marriage vows, remaining faithful and not betraying each other. The higher level is when a couple also tries to deepen their love, makes efforts to please and satisfy each other to the best of their ability, and intend to have children and raising them for a life of Torah and mitzvot. The more mindful and intentional they are, the higher they rise through the levels of sanctity.

Raavad writes that there are four types of intention one can have for the mitzva of ona, three of which are commendable, and one which is a lesser form of intention, though the mitzva is still fulfilled. The motivations are: 1) to bring joy and satisfaction to one’s spouse through sexual intimacy; 2) to fulfill the mitzva of procreation; 3) during pregnancy, to intend for the loving and joyful sexual union to make the unborn child healthy, energetic, and good-natured (Nidda 31a; see also 1:4 above). The fourth motivation is less admirable, but it still involves fulfilling the mitzva of ona and receiving reward for it: a man has sexual relations with his wife because he senses his sexual drive overpowering him, so that he does not lust after other women (Raavad, Ba’alei Ha-nefesh, Sha’ar Ha-kedusha; Tur §240). This type of intention is the most basic level of marital sanctity, whereas the first three belong to the higher level, as we will explain.

The basic level of sanctity is the faithful preservation of the marital covenant. Even if each spouse is more interested in satisfying their own drives than giving their spouse pleasure, as long as they do not betray one another, there is sanctity in their marriage. As the Sages said, “If husband and wife are worthy, the Shekhina is with them; if they are not, fire consumes them” (Sota 17a). Rashi explains: “‘If they are worthy’ – they walk the straight and narrow; neither he nor she commits adultery.”

Accordingly, the marital bond between husband and wife is called “kiddushin,” which is related to the word “kadosh,” sacred. The wording of the berakha recited upon kiddushin is as follows:

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who sanctified us with His mitzvot, and has commanded us concerning forbidden unions, forbidding betrothed women to us and permitting to us the women to whom we are wedded by means of ḥuppa and kiddushin. Blessed are You, Lord, Who sanctifies His people Israel by means of ḥuppa and kiddushin.

Moreover, even if someone initially got married to gratify his desires, if he adheres to the framework of a halakhic marriage, over time he will progress toward a deeper love. It stands to reason that he will undergo a crisis when his initial passion wanes, but his loyalty to halakha and his marriage vows will save him from being unfaithful. He will therefore be able to deepen his relationship with his wife, connecting to her with love and great joy, and ascending to the second level of sanctity in marriage.

The higher level of sanctity is that of those who achieve unity through true love. In the case of a husband, the more he thinks about his wife’s well-being, the higher he ascends in this sanctity. In order for him to want to pleasure his wife, their sexual union must be enjoyable for him, too (section 14 below), though his primary goal remains bringing his wife pleasure. Should a conflict arise between his own desires and what his wife enjoys, he prioritizes her enjoyment over satisfying his desire. The same applies to the wife; the more she considers the well-being of her husband and brings him joy through her passion, the higher she ascends in sanctity.

The two levels of marriage reflect the two meanings of the word “kadosh” (“sacred”): a) separate and distinct, and b) transcendent, eternal, and divine. When a marriage is at the basic level, the husband and wife separate themselves from all the other men and women in the world. When a marriage is at the higher level, the couple’s intimate connection reveals the spark that is divine, eternal, and transcendent.

04. Between Love and Lust

Two paths are available to couples: on the good path, the emphasis is on love; on the bad path, the emphasis is on lust. One who follows the evil impulse cares only about himself, chasing women to satisfy his desires. In contrast, one who follows his good impulse wishes to truly love his wife and bring her maximum pleasure. At the very least, he remains faithful to her. Someone who lusts and someone who loves resemble each other at first, but then the paths diverge. The lust of someone who follows his evil impulse does not last, and all his relationships fall apart, ending in disappointment. In contrast, the sacred love of someone who follows the good path grows ever stronger and deeper.

Occasionally, a person following the path of the evil impulse appears to be willing to do anything for his partner. In order to gratify his desires, he is prepared to go to great lengths to court her, spend exorbitant amounts of money on her, buy her expensive jewelry, pay her endless compliments, and even rejoice in whatever makes her happy. However, because his primary intention is self-gratification, he is really using her. In general, despite his pronouncements and declarations, he would prefer not to marry, since he can satisfy his lusts without marriage. Even if he does agree to get married, as long as his primary objective is self-gratification, he will never truly love his wife. Rather, he will merely exploit her body, so their relationship will grow weaker and weaker.

In extreme cases of being driven by lust, a man is even willing to rape a woman to satisfy his evil impulse. Such an act is motivated by sheer lust and completely devoid of love. On the contrary, when he comes back to his senses, he will hate his victim, just as Amnon hated Tamar after he raped her: “Amnon felt a very great loathing for her” (2 Shmuel 13:15). Lust attempts to take the place of love, but once sobriety returns, the rapist realizes that he still feels hollow and depressed. But instead of loathing himself, he projects his loathing onto the woman he raped.

In contrast, a man who follows the path of love wants a truly loving relationship with his wife. He is very careful not to hurt her, and he tries to give her as much joy as he can. Above all, he cares about her and her well-being. As time goes on, their relationship deepens. Although they get older, the years do not wear them down. Instead, their love intensifies, and they become infinitely close. Such love is precious, sacred, and unabashed.

05. The Sanctity of Avoiding Sexual Transgression

As we have learned, the basic level of sanctity in marriage is when a husband and wife form a halakhic relationship and avoid sexual transgressions (gilui arayot). Rambam lists 37 Torah prohibitions in his Laws of Sexual Prohibitions, which can be divided into five categories:

1. Incest, including sexual relations between a man and his mother, daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, stepdaughter, or step-granddaughter. This category includes most of the sexual prohibitions.
2. Sexual relations between those who are forbidden from marrying each other: a Jew and a non-Jew; a mamzer with a non-mamzer; or a marriage involving a eunuch.
3. Bestiality and male homosexuality.
4. Adultery, i.e., sexual relations between a man and a married woman.
5. Sexual relations between a man and a nidda.^[2]

There is one other severe sexual transgression: the rape of a woman or man, and certainly of a minor. This crime usually involves an additional transgression as well, such as relations with a nidda, incest, or male homosexual relations. However, even when there are no accompanying prohibitions, the damage done to the rape victim is extremely serious, so much so that in a sense it is the same as murder. Thus, when speaking of rape, the Torah tells us, “For the case is like that of a man attacking another and murdering him” (Devarim 22:26).

Another seventeen mitzvot in the Torah relate to the framework of marriage. These include laws pertaining to divorce, yibum (levirate marriage), ḥalitza (levirate divorce), the laws pertaining to the seduction or rape of a young virgin, and laws pertaining to a sota (a woman whose husband suspects her of adultery).^[3]

We should not downplay the degree of sanctity achieved by one who successfully abides by all these rules and mitzvot, for we see that most people who are not committed to Torah and mitzvot do not manage to preserve their marital covenant. Even among the religiously observant, not everyone manages to resist temptation.

The Sages said:

One who sits passively and does not sin is rewarded as if he did a mitzva. R. Shimon bar Rabbi [Yehuda Ha-Nasi] said: It says, “But make sure that you do not partake of the blood; for the blood is the life” (Devarim 12:23). If a person is rewarded for avoiding [drinking] blood, which most people find disgusting, how great must the reward be for avoiding theft and sexual immorality, which most people crave and lust after. One who avoids these earns reward for himself, his children, and his descendants until the end of time.” (m. Makkot 3:16)

The Torah teaches, “You shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy” (Vayikra 19:2). Rashi explains, “Avoid forbidden sexual relations and sins. For wherever you find clear sexual boundaries, you also find holiness.” Accordingly, anyone who is faithful to his marriage is considered holy.

06. Mitzvot as a Safeguard Against Sin

In addition to the intrinsic value of the mitzva of ona, which gives expression to the love between husband and wife, the mitzva also serves as a shield against adultery. For this reason, unmarried people are more vulnerable to sexual temptation, and they must therefore strengthen themselves through Torah study and mitzva observance so that they save the power of their love for their true and holy match through the framework of marriage. Sometimes a person’s sex drive is so strong that it is extremely difficult to resist. In that case, the more one bolstered himself through Torah study and mitzva observance, the more he finds the strength to resist temptation.

The Talmud (Menaḥot 44a) recounts:

Natan said: There is no mitzva in the Torah, not even a minor one, whose reward is not enjoyed in this world. As for reward in the next world, who knows how great it will be! Go and learn this from the mitzva of tzitzit. A certain man was very meticulous in observing the mitzva of tzitzit. He heard about a prostitute, in one of the towns by the sea, who charged 400 gold coins as her wages. He sent her 400 gold coins, and arranged a time to meet. At the appointed time, he sat at the door. Her maidservant came and told her, “The man who sent you 400 gold coins has arrived and is waiting at the door.” She replied, “Let him in,” and he entered. She had set for him seven beds, six silver and one gold. Between each bed was a silver ladder, and the uppermost was of gold. She climbed up and sat naked on the topmost bed. He, too, started to climb up in order to be naked with her. While he was climbing up, his four tzitziyot hit him in the face. He climbed down and sat on the ground. Then she, too, climbed down and sat on the ground. She exclaimed, “By Rome! I will not let you go until you tell me what flaw you saw in me!” He responded, “By the Temple service! I have never seen a woman as beautiful as you. But the Lord our God has given us a mitzva called tzitzit, in the context of which it is twice written, ‘I am the Lord your God’ (Bambidbar 15:41). This means ‘I am the One Who will exact punishment in the future, and I am the One Who will give reward in the future.’ At this moment, these fringes appeared to me as four witnesses [testifying against me].” She said to him, “I will not let you go until you tell me what your name is, what city you are from, who your rabbi is, and the name of the beit midrash in which you study Torah.” He wrote it down and gave it to her. She immediately divided all her property into three parts: one third she gave to the government (so that they would permit her to convert to Judaism), one third to the poor (to atone for her sins), and one third she kept for herself, as well as the bedspreads. She then went to R. Ḥiya’s beit midrash. She said to him, “Rabbi, tell me what I must do to convert to Judaism.” He replied, “My child, perhaps you have your eyes set on one of the students?” [He was concerned that she wanted to marry one of the students because she could not find a husband among her own people, or because she wanted his money, but did not really want to convert for the sake of heaven.] She took out the note and handed it to him. [The note contained the specifics of the incident, which demonstrated that she was both wealthy and desired by many, but that she chose this student because of his greatness of spirit. R. Ḥiya therefore agreed to convert her.] He said to her, “Go and collect what you acquired.” The same bedding that she spread out for him sinfully, she now spread out for him lawfully. This is the reward for a mitzva in this world. As for the next world, who knows how great it will be!

Therefore, we see that when the sex drive spills over into licentiousness, it is wicked. But when it is expressed within the framework of a proper marriage, it is good and holy, and is even considered a heavenly reward.

07. Mental and Spiritual Health

It is important to add that joyful fulfillment of the mitzva of ona improves one’s mental health and well-being. God created human beings with different drives, with the sex drive prominent among them. While not everyone is the same with regard to this drive – some experience it more intensely, and some less – everyone has it. Someone who does not feel it at all suffers from an emotional handicap. For most people, the sex drive is the strongest drive of all. Repressing it can distort and pervert the psyche, making it hard for that person to fulfill their purpose as a human being. This is what the Sages meant when they said, “Any man without a wife is not a man (adam), as it states (Bereishit 5:2), ‘Male and female He created them. He blessed them and called them Adam’” (Yevamot 63a). Since the sex drive is so powerful, it is difficult to resist. This is why the Torah had to give us so many mitzvot aimed at regulating and channeling it.

Some men and women mistakenly believe that by suppressing this inclination and minimizing their onot, they will become holier and more spiritual. However, this may very well backfire, for sometimes if a person does not allow this drive to be expressed within the framework of halakha, and instead adds limitations that the Torah does not require, it can result in severe sins of sexual transgressions. Therefore, if a man naturally needs more times of ona than those set by the Sages, he should not try to suppress his needs and behave like everyone else. Similarly, if a woman senses that her husband requires more ona times, she should encourage him to add more, since that is appropriate and good for him, and allows him to retain his holiness. But, if he suppresses his needs and ignores what is right for him, his evil inclination is likely to urge him to get involved with other women or even young girls. It is known that men who commit adultery and rape minors are often undergoing an extended period of time without regular, healthy sexual relations.^[4]

At the higher level of sanctity, this drive is channeled into the sacred framework of marriage so that it increases love and joy. The couple can thus connect with the very root of life; when they fulfill the mitzva of ona, they draw down a divine spark and reveal it to the world. As R. Akiva said, “If husband and wife are worthy, the Shekhina is with them” (Sota 17a; see also Zohar Ra’aya Mehemna III 34a). This explains what the kabbalists meant when they wrote that one who does not feel this urge is inferior to a donkey because he lacks the ability to fully understand anything, and he can never truly love God (Reishit Ḥokhma, Sha’ar Ha-ahava, end of ch. 4).

We have learned (1:5 above) that the foundation of the Jewish faith is discovering the world’s ultimate unity, and that the mitzva of ona, when fulfilled with an abundance of love and desire, reveals unity within the world. It is through this passion that two completely distinct individuals become one. Body and soul take part in the mitzva together. Even the evil inclination is transformed for the better and unites with the good inclination to enhance the couple’s joy and love. The result is that they are able to connect to the Source of life, refine their faith, and actively work for the perfection and redemption of the world. Something within them unites with the divine spark, from which new life is brought forth. Thus, they become God’s partners in bringing a new soul to the world (Nidda 31a).

08. Purity and Impurity

We still need to explain two halakhot, one Torah law and one rabbinic, that seem to indicate that despite the sanctity of the mitzva of ona, it has an aspect of impurity as well.

According to the Torah, semen ejaculated by a Jew is a source of impurity (av ha-tuma). Even when a husband and wife have marital sexual relations and fulfill the Torah commandment, since he ejaculated inside her, they both become impure, as they have come into direct contact with a source of impurity (they have the status of rishon le-tuma). To purify themselves, they must immerse in a mikveh and wait until nightfall, whereupon they resume their ritually pure status and are permitted to enter the Temple, eat the meat of the sacrifices, and, if they are kohanim, eat teruma. Similarly, clothing and kelim that have come into contact with a Jewish man’s semen become ritually impure and may not be used or worn while handling sacrifices or objects that must retain their pure status. These items are purified through immersion in a mikveh. In the Torah’s words:

When a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water and remain impure until evening. All cloth or leather on which semen falls shall be washed in water and remain impure until evening. And a woman with whom a man has sexual relations and an emission of semen, they shall bathe in water and remain impure until evening. (Vayikra 15:16-18)^[5]

Ritual impurity, tuma, is an expression of life lost. The supreme source of tuma (avi avot ha-tuma) is a corpse. The impurity of nidda also expresses death; this was a potential pregnancy that has been lost and is no longer. The impurity of semen is likewise an expression of something that could have created new life but has now been lost and has died (Kuzari 2:60-62). The Torah teaches us that even when semen is ejaculated in fulfillment of the mitzva of ona, it harbors impurity. Likewise, we find that childbirth renders a woman impure. The idea is that when any grand notion descends to this world, there is a certain aspect of death. The vision is always grander than its realization. In this case, the hopes preceding a birth are grandiose. There is a tendency to believe that the whole world will change for the better because of this birth, and that the newborn child will be absolutely perfect. In reality, after birth we return to routine life, with its aches, pains, and exhaustion. Despite the miracle of birth, the new baby will still need to contend with all the challenges of human life. Even our bodies sense this letdown, which is an aspect of post-partum depression.

A man, too, experiences letdown after ejaculation, even though it occurs within the holy context of the mitzva of ona. Beforehand, he believed that he will soon be closer than ever to his beloved wife, and that everything will always be great. His heart fills with passion and excitement, building until its release during ejaculation. But then he falls back to the routine of this world, his passion drained. In contrast, women do not experience this fall. After orgasm, her return to this world is gentle and easy. When their sexual union is loving and joyful, her feelings of satisfaction and contentment linger for a while. Therefore, the man’s semen is impure, but not the fluids secreted by the woman during arousal.

Perhaps the letdown that a man experiences after orgasm expresses human incompleteness. Even when one is truly in love, true unity between two people is fleeting. Even when a man truly wishes bring joy to his wife, he remains, to some degree, within himself. He fails to harness all of his passion to that love. If this were possible, there would be no more death in the world, no more post-coital tristesse, and no more post-partum depression. The Sages allude to this in their explanation of the impurity of childbirth:

“Indeed, I was born with iniquity; with sin my mother conceived me” (Tehilim 51:7). R. Aḥa explained: Even if a person is the most devout of the devout, it is impossible for him to be completely devoid of sin. David said to God, “Master of the universe! Did my father Yishai intend to create me? He had nothing in mind but his own pleasure! We know that this is true, for after they attend to their needs (i.e., after sexual intercourse), one turns this way and one turns that way (and they fall asleep). You, however, gather in every single drop (of semen, to ensure that there are viable fetuses).” This is what David meant when he said, “Though my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will take me in” (Tehilim 27:10). (Vayikra Rabba 14:5).

09. Ezra’s Ordinance

As we mentioned above, the Torah declares semen impure. Ezra the Scribe and his court extended this, ordaining that any man who had sexual relations or otherwise ejaculated semen may not pray or study Torah until immersing in a mikveh (BK 82b according to Rosh). The reason is that Torah must be studied with “awe, fear, trembling, and trepidation,” just as we received it at Sinai, whereas semen is ejaculated “out of frivolity and arrogance” (Berakhot 22a and Rashi ad loc.). Another reason is “so that Jews are not like roosters, which mate, get right up, and go eat” (y. Berakhot 3:4), or “so that Torah scholars do not constantly cohabit with their wives, like roosters” (Berakhot 22a).

According to all of these reasons, Ezra’s ordinance does not indicate that there is something wrong with sexual intimacy between husband and wife. Rather, they should not overindulge as does a rooster, which has nothing else to live for. Human beings have other purposes, spiritual as well as professional. If people spent all their time mating like roosters, they would not manage to fill all their other roles. The requirement of immersion creates a certain inconvenience whose purpose is to ensure that people fulfill the mitzva of ona with the appropriate frequency and not to excess.

Additionally, immersion is meant to separate between the different realms of a person’s life. Torah must be studied with the appropriate gravitas, with a sense of fear and awe, whereas the mitzva of ona is fulfilled with a spirit of playfulness, liberation, and unbounded joy, as it is written: “Yitzḥak was being playful with Rivka his wife” (Bereishit 26:8). Rashi explains that “being playful” is a euphemism for sexual relations. This is similar to the Sages’ ordinance that men wear belts while they are speaking holy words, to separate the heart from the genitals, lest the urges emanating from the genitalia confound the head and heart and make it difficult to engage in spiritual matters with the requisite purity. Ultimately, the mind and emotions can become enslaved to the realization of lustful fantasies.

Therefore, in order to fortify his spiritual world, one must study Torah with awe, fear, trembling, and trepidation, as is becoming of its sanctity and seriousness. Then, when he later returns to physicality, he will be able to direct it properly. This explains why the Sages instituted a blessing to be recited upon putting on a belt in the morning: “Who girds Israel with strength” (Ozer Yisrael bi-gevura). The strength to separate between the heart and the genitals liberates a person from being enslaved by his urges and enables him to sanctify them through the mitzva of ona.

In practice, Ezra’s ordinance did not become widespread. Some people did not want to stop studying Torah, and since they found it inconvenient to immerse, they simply refrained from sexual relations, thereby forgoing both the mitzva of ona and the mitzva of procreation. In contrast, some others were happy to fulfill the mitzva of ona, but because of the inconvenience of immersion, they simply refrained from Torah study. Many others simply ignored the ordinance, wishing neither to detract from the mitzva of ona nor to lessen their Torah study. When the Sages saw that Ezra’s enactment was not accepted by the Jewish people, they rescinded it and permitted those who had ejaculated or had sexual relations to pray and study Torah without restriction (Berakhot 22a; MT, Laws of Reciting Shema 4:8). Nevertheless, some people are meticulous about immersing before studying Torah or praying, in accordance with Ezra’s ordinance. Others show their meticulousness by washing in nine kabin (approximately 11 liters) of water. Nowadays, when every home has a shower, it is good to be meticulous about this.^[6]

10. Levels of Holiness and Mindfulness

Let us review some essentials: The mitzva of ona is unique in that its sanctity is revealed in material reality. Moreover, even physical passion and desire, which are generally inclined toward the evil impulse, are transformed by it into a mitzva and sanctified. This is an especially powerful corrective; through ona we discover that no area of life is disconnected from the divine, that the Lord is God of earth as well as heaven, and that even physical urges can connect with the sacred and even strengthen it. The mitzva of ona is similar in this way to the mitzva of living in Eretz Yisrael; through both, holiness is revealed in the world (1:5 above).

Nonetheless, since the mitzva of ona is fulfilled by means of a person’s most physical elements, where lusts and urges loom large, one is prone to being overly attracted to them, to the point that one might forget the mitzva and think only about himself instead of about his wife. This is the impurity that lurks here, the flipside of this sacred mitzva. This is not meant to discourage a person from performing the mitzva, but to encourage him to refine his intentions when fulfilling it. The Sages thus encouraged one who wishes to become holier and more pious to sanctify himself through the mitzva of ona, that is, that he should be mindful of bringing his wife as much joy as possible. Ezra the Scribe, the same person who ordained that one must immerse after sexual relations, also made two enactments to increase the love between husband and wife: that they should eat garlic, an aphrodisiac, on Friday nights, thus increasing the passion of their sexual union, and that peddlers may sell perfume and jewelry everywhere, so that wives are enticing to their husbands (Bava Kama 82a-b; 2:5 above).

It is worth considering an extraordinary idea underlying interpersonal commandments, which transforms routine aspects of life into mitzvot. When a person prepares tasty food for himself, he does not fulfill any mitzva; he is simply tending to his needs. However, when he cooks tasty food for a guest, he fulfills a mitzva. This is even truer of a couple’s intimate relationship – when they give each other pleasure, they become imbued with the sanctity of the mitzva of ona, and the Shekhina dwells with them.

As we explained above (section 3), there are two primary levels of holiness within marriage. The basic level of holiness is the upholding of a halakhic marriage, avoiding sexual transgressions and observing the laws of nidda. The higher level of holiness increases the couple’s love and unity, which brings out the depth of eternal life inherent in their relationship.

Thus far, we have taken the mainstream approach, namely, that the more a couple enjoys and gives pleasure to one another, the greater their mitzva and the holier their union. However, we must note that there are two additional approaches to the holiness of ona: Rambam’s approach and the approach of ascetic sanctity. Since there is truth in each approach, it is worth studying them. This study will also allow us to explain the primary approach in a more comprehensive and balanced way.

11. Rambam’s Approach

Rambam, consistent with his worldview, sees bodily needs and pleasures as mere means to the ultimate end – spiritual service of God. Nevertheless, God created flesh-and-blood human beings, who must take very good care of their bodies, since it is the vehicle which allows them to study Torah and fulfill mitzvot. If a person does not take care of bodily needs, including the natural desire for sexual intercourse, it will cause deterioration of physical and mental health and loss of equilibrium. Such a person will be unable to concentrate on spiritual service. The purpose of the mitzva of marriage and the sexual prohibitions is to train every person to satisfy their natural desire for physical intimacy within the framework of halakha. The more careful one is to satisfy his own needs and those of his spouse without getting overwhelmed by physical lust, the more sanctified such a person becomes. This is the aim of the mitzva of ona: to satisfy natural sexual desire, each person according to their health and occupation, no more and no less.

When a person follows this path, then even tending to one’s physical needs is considered part of divine worship:

When he has sexual intercourse, his only intention should be to keep his body healthy and produce viable offspring…. One who follows this path for his entire life serves God constantly, even while doing business and even while having sexual intercourse. For his intention is always to provide for his needs so that his body is whole, in order to serve God…. This is what our Sages meant when they commanded, “All of your actions should be for the sake of heaven” (Avot 2:12). This is also what Shlomo said, in his wisdom (Mishlei 3:6): “In all your ways, know Him, and He will make your paths smooth.” (MT, Laws of Dispositions 3:2-3).

Rambam thus disagrees with the gentile sages who praise celibacy, because he feels that it is unnatural, painful, and unhealthy. Just as we do not encourage a person to starve himself on a regular basis or to suppress his need to relieve himself, so too, we must not encourage a person to abstain from sexual relations. Even if the person’s spouse is willing, as long as abstention involves going against natural desires, they must satisfy those urges. However, since sexual relations are merely a means to an end, one should not indulge in them more than necessary. One who indulges in physical pleasures more than necessary to serve God is like an animal that always follows its natural impulses. From this perspective, “Our sense of touch is a disgrace to us” (Moreh Nevukhim II:36).

It stands to reason that the more a person is engrossed in Torah, the less he will feel this need. This is virtuous, as long as husband and wife develop this virtue in tandem. However, when one spouse has a palpable need for sexual intimacy, no attempts should be made to suppress it, for doing so will demand a constant fight against the urges. Instead of developing spiritual virtues, that spouse will be preoccupied with doing battle against the body. Not only that, but there is concern that such a person will delude himself into thinking that he has been liberated from the burden of his urges, but ultimately the repressed urges may find unrestrained expression and lead to sexual transgression. Even if he does not end up sinning, all the effort that he exerts to restrain his urges will warp his spirit and damage his mental health. The Torah therefore gave us the mitzva of ona with all its parameters, so that husband and wife, by observing halakha, will treat each other and their own bodies properly.

The advantage of Rambam’s approach is that one who follows it will not engage in self-delusion, will not try to be overly abstemious while imagining that he has successfully overcome his physical needs and ascended to the lofty virtues of asceticism and sanctity. But neither will he fool himself into constant indulgence of the body and the passions with the claim that he is “sanctifying the material” and “redeeming sparks of holiness.” The drawback of this approach is that it denies any intrinsic value to the body and the act of sexual intimacy.

Realistic, critical, and intellectual individuals love Rambam’s approach because it does not pretend to sanctify what appears profane. But even the wider public has much to gain from his approach, as it recognizes human physical needs and does not attempt to deny human nature.^[7]

12. Ascetic Sanctity and Sublime Love

There is another approach as well. It agrees that there is sanctity in the sexual union of husband and wife, which causes the Shekhina to dwell with them and thereby reveals divine unity in the world, unites heaven and earth, and spreads an abundance of blessing through all the worlds. However, according to this approach, these ideas are so sublime and exalted that one must take care to fulfill the mitzva of ona out of deep love and intense longing. Ideally the mitzva should be fulfilled at the most suitable time – Friday night after midnight. For on the holy Shabbat, peace is revealed in all the worlds, making it the best time for a couple to add an abundance of blessing through their sexual union (see Zohar I 50a, 112a1; III 49b).

This approach does not minimize the value of love; rather, love is exalted and transformed into a something transcendent and yearned for. The more sublime it is, the more we yearn for it, but with a yearning that is filled with awe, respect, and refinement. The husband is like a responsible king whose every action affects the entire world, and the wife like a beautiful and noble queen, refined and sensitive, whose every good deed that she does and beautiful emotion that she feels uplifts the whole world. All the battles he fights and the heroic deeds he performs are for her; all her beauty and good deeds are for him. They are willing to give their lives to remain faithful to each other. Due to their longings and mutual respect, their spiritual union stirs them to the depths of the soul and spirit, but it need not climax in physical orgasm.

The Talmud tells of R. Eliezer:

They asked [R.Eliezer’s wife] Ima Shalom: “Why are your children so beautiful?” She said to them, “[R. Eliezer] does not talk [that is, have sexual relations] with me at the beginning of the night or the end of the night, but only at midnight. When he talks [has sexual relations] he reveals a tefaḥ and covers a tefaḥ, and it seems as though he is compelled by a demon [i.e., by fear and trepidation]. I asked him, ‘What is the reason for this?’ He answered, ‘So that I do not look at another woman, which would render my children mamzerim.’” (Nedarim 20b)

It as if R. Eliezer was saying, “If I lose my special reverence and respect for you, there would be no difference between you and another woman. Our union would not be complete, and it would damage our children, for this is a kind of spiritual adultery and mamzerut.”

Regarding the phrase “reveals a tefaḥ and covers a tefaḥ,” the commentators explain: “He would not thrust his penis during sexual relations, in order to minimize his pleasure” (Raavad; SA 240:8). This implies that his technique limited his own pleasure, but it is possible that it increased his wife’s pleasure. Another explanation of the phrase is that he would not expose too much of his skin or her skin. However, later poskim and kabbalists reject this explanation, as it goes against halakha as well as kabbalistic notions according to which a couple must be naked during intercourse (Kaf Ha-ḥayim 240:61).

The advantage of this approach is that those who follow it are not swept away by their physical urges, and their longing and yearning for union preserve their love. The disadvantage is that many desires remain unrequited and they lose the opportunity for experiences that they can sanctify through the mitzva of ona. Another serious drawback is that many people who follow this path delude themselves into believing that they are becoming holy, when in reality, they are repressing their desires, which may then find expression through unseemly thoughts and sexual transgressions. The pressure can also damage their mental health and warp the spirit.

Therefore, rabbis and educators caution young couples that even if they wish to follow this approach, they should not do so during the first years of marriage. Rather, they should behave normally and enjoy themselves naturally, in accordance with halakha. Later on, they can cautiously explore whether the ascetic approach is right for them. We must add that the destruction of the Temple and the pain of exile were key components in the formation of this approach, as we will explain below, in section 15; indeed, during the generation after the Temple’s destruction, like the post-Holocaust generation, stringencies and restrictions on the mitzva of ona proliferated.^[8]

13. The Primary Path to Holiness

In practice, based on what we have learned from the Sages and the poskim, the primary way to fulfill the mitzva of ona is that the more love and pleasure shared by husband and wife, the more holy they become. This sanctity has an ascetic element in that the husband does not think about any woman other than his wife, and the wife does not think about any man other than her husband. This sanctity also has an element of self-discovery of the divine root of their souls, for when they unite lovingly and passionately, a spark of divine unity is revealed through them, giving life to them and to all the worlds.

The verse states, “Speak to the whole Israelite community and say to them, ‘You shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy’” (Vayikra 19:2). Zohar explains that God chose the Jewish people and made them a unique nation, through which His divine unity is revealed in the world. Therefore, His holiness dwells with the Jews, and He guides them in a unique way. Zohar continues:

When is a person called “one”? When a person is male and female together, sanctified with supreme holiness, and having in mind to be sanctified through sexual union…. Then a person is whole and called “one,” with no imperfections. To this end, a man must give his wife enjoyment at that time, preparing her to share a single desire with him, wherein they both have the same thing in mind. Then when they are together, then all is one, in soul and body. In soul – they cleave to one another with a single desire; in body – as we have learned, an unmarried person is like someone who has been divided in half, so when male and female unite, they become one body. Thus they become one soul and one body, and are called one person. Then the Holy One abides in this unity and implants in [the pure souls born of their union] a spirit of holiness. They are thus called God’s children. (Zohar III 81a-b).

Nevertheless, it is well known that our abilities are limited, and the body cannot reveal all the love and truth within the marital bond. If a couple’s relationship is based primarily on physical desire, presumably it will not last. Therefore, a couple must base their relationship on a spiritual foundation as well. Doing so requires some abstinence from the physical, an asceticism that makes room for the spiritual. This abstinence is achieved primarily during nidda times, as the Torah commands.

Furthermore, the mitzva of ona can take place only within the boundaries of one’s ability to give and receive pleasure properly. Sometimes a person pursuing his desires tries having relations in addition to the set times of ona, expecting that this will increase their enjoyment and devotion. Instead he senses love slipping away, the spirit dissipating, and desires becoming more superficial. If this happens, he must return to the set times established by the Sages for the mitzva of ona, in order to restore balance between body and soul, so that the couple’s love and joy can once again come to full expression through the mitzva of ona.^[9]

14. The Mitzva and Makhshirei Mitzva

As we discussed above (2:4), ona is referred to as derekh eretz, which makes it clear that this mitzva must be fulfilled joyfully and pleasurably, as is the way of the world. The mitzva is not meant to repress our natural desire, but rather to express its holiness and channel it properly, so that it will last through the years. There is still room to ask: should a husband and wife increase their passion and try to maximize their own joy and pleasure, or is it enough that they are aroused to give each other pleasure?

It would seem that we can apply an important halakhic distinction here – between mitzva and makhshirei mitzva (prerequisites or things that facilitate a mitzva). In this case, the mitzva incumbent upon the man is to bring his wife pleasure. His own enjoyment facilitates the mitzva as it increases his passion and desire to bring pleasure to his wife. According to halakha, makhshirei mitzva have the same status as the mitzva itself, as long as they are auxiliary to the fulfillment of the mitzva. In other words, when a husband gives his wife pleasure, then his enjoyment is also part of the mitzva. The more pleasure he brings her, the greater his mitzva. As a consequence, his personal pleasure is likewise considered a greater mitzva. In contrast, if he does not manage to give her pleasure, his own great pleasure is no mitzva. There is only the basic benefit that it saves him from sexual transgression (as explained above in sections 3 and 5).

Likewise, when a wife gives her husband pleasure, she fulfills a mitzva, and her own pleasure facilitates the mitzva. The more pleasure she brings to her husband, the greater the value of her own pleasure.

Let’s take this a step further. When a wife wants to enjoy their sexual union, and to that end she opens up to her husband and allows him to bring her great pleasure, she is enabling him to fulfill his mitzva. Thus, her pleasure facilitates the mitzva in two ways: she helps her husband fulfill his mitzva, and this, in turn, intensifies her desire to bring him pleasure. Similarly, the pleasure that a husband receives from his wife facilitates the mitzva in two ways: for through his pleasure, his desire to give his wife pleasure grows, and this allows her to fulfill her mitzva to give him pleasure.

15. In Exile and in Redemption

The general state of the Jewish people affects the joy of the mitzva of ona because the sacred bond between every Jewish husband and wife parallels the bond between God and the Jewish people. The Sages explain in the Mishna that the momentous occasions on which the Jewish people became connected to God are referred to as “His wedding day” and “His day of bliss” (Shir Ha-shirim 3:11). “‘His wedding day’ refers to the giving of the Torah, and ‘His day of bliss’ refers to the building of the Temple” (Ta’anit 26b). We also find that immediately after the Jews received the Torah at Sinai, they were commanded to return to their tents, “to the joy of ona” (Avoda Zara 5a). And directly following the dedication of the Temple, the husbands returned home, joyful and in excellent spirits, and found their wives in a state of purity. They then fulfilled the mitzva of ona with tremendous joy (Mo’ed Katan 9a; above, 1:6).

In contrast, when the Jewish people distance themselves from God, the pleasure of this mitzva is diminished as well. As the Sages said, “Since the destruction of the Temple, sexual pleasure has been taken away and given to sinners” (Sanhedrin 75a). As a result of the distance between God and the Jewish people, rifts permeate all the worlds. The earth is not responsive to heaven and does not express holy values; heaven is not responsive to the earth and does not bestow life and blessing upon it. Global anguish permeates individual homes. As a result, men cannot be fully responsive to their wives’ desire, and women cannot be fully responsive to their husbands’ desire. Those people who have understood the profundity of the crisis and the anguish, and who have truly identified with the pain and tears of both God and the Jewish nation, have at times found it difficult to joyfully fulfill the mitzva of ona.

The Talmud cites R. Yishmael b. Elisha as saying that from the day that the Temple was destroyed, by rights we should have decreed upon ourselves not to eat meat or drink wine, and the day that the evil (Roman) empire conquered us and imposed on us evil and harsh measures, depriving us of Torah and mitzvot and forbidding us from celebrating circumcisions, by rights we should have decreed upon ourselves not to marry or to have children. Avraham’s line would have come to an end by itself. However, R. Yishmael concluded, the Jews should be left alone; it is better that they sin unwittingly and not willfully, as they would not be able to endure such a harsh decree (Bava Batra 60b).

The Talmud continues that after the destruction of the Second Temple, there was a proliferation in the number of Jews who abstained from eating meat or drinking wine in mourning over the cessation of the sacrifices and libations. R. Yehoshua challenged them: “So should we not eat bread, because the meal offerings have been eliminated? Should we not eat fruit, because there are no more bikkurim (first fruit offerings)? Should we not drink water, since the water libation has ceased?!” Rather, he counseled: “My children, it is impossible to avoid mourning completely, for the sentence has been decreed. But it is also impossible to mourn excessively, because we do not impose a decree on the community unless the majority can endure it” (ibid.). Thus, the Sages instituted only mourning customs that are appropriate and suitable for the community.

Therefore, even in exile, the halakhot of the mitzva of ona did not budge, for the essence of the mitzva is that it must be fulfilled joyfully, and the greater the couple’s love and joy grows, the more virtuous they are. Furthermore, the fulfillment of this mitzva ameliorates the exile somewhat, for through it a couple establish their home as a mini-Temple, as the Shekhina dwells with them when they properly fulfill this mitzva (Sota 17a). This accords with the statement of the Sages, “Wherever the Jewish people were exiled, the Shekhina, as it were, went into exile with them” (Mekhilta de-Rabbi Yishmael, Bo, §14). The Sages further said that by fulfilling the mitzva of procreation, people draw the redemption closer: “The (messianic) son of David will not arrive until all the souls of the body have been finished” (Yevamot 62a), that is, until all the Jewish souls in the heavenly storehouse have been born.

Thus, it is through our efforts to fulfill the mitzva of ona in accordance with halakha that we bring the redemption closer and arouse pining and yearning for the restoration of the special relationship between the Lover and the beloved, that is, between the Holy One and the congregation of Israel (Knesset Yisrael). As it is written:

For the sake of Zion I will not be silent, and for the sake of Jerusalem I will not be still, until her righteousness emerges resplendent, and her salvation blazes like a torch…. No longer will you be called “Azuva” (“Forsaken”) nor shall your land be called “Shemama” (“Desolate”). Rather, you shall be called “Ḥeftzi-bah” (“I-delight-in-her”) and your land “Be’ula” (“Espoused”). For the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be espoused. As a youth espouses a maiden, your sons will espouse you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. (Yeshayahu 62:1, 4-5)

But those righteous ascetics, whose hearts were so filled with anguish over the Temple’s destruction, could not make do with the mini-Temple which remained to the Jewish people. In their sorrow, they could not fulfill the mitzva of ona with the appropriate joy (see 2:14 above). Therefore, even as they scrupulously fulfilled the mitzva – aware of its value and importance, and aware that through it they were bringing the redemption closer – they reduced its frequency to the necessary minimum, just enough to uphold the sanctity of marriage and fulfill the mitzva of procreation. Occasionally, their customs are cited by the poskim.^[10]

Nevertheless, as explained in the Talmud and halakhic literature, the general directive stands. The way to fulfill the mitzva of ona halakhically is with great joy. The more pleasure a husband and wife give each other in this mitzva, the more praiseworthy they are. At the same time, it is natural that despite the wish to fulfill the mitzva in the most complete way, the global pain caused by the exile of the Jews and the Shekhina clouds the joy of the mitzva. Yet the more we merit seeing the Jewish people return to their land, the more the joy of this mitzva is restored, as it is written:

And the Lord’s redeemed shall return, and come with shouting to Zion, crowned with joy everlasting. They shall attain joy and gladness, while sorrow and sighing flee. (Yeshayahu 35:10)

May it be God’s will that we all together merit seeing the ingathering of all exiles and the rebuilding of entire breadth and width of the land. May our eyes behold the return of God to Zion, the restoration of the Davidic dynasty to its rightful place, and the rebuilding of the Temple. Heaven and earth will unite, as will duty and desire, truth and joy, vision and reality, body and soul. “And on that day, declares the Lord, you will call Me ‘Ishi’; you will no longer call Me ‘Ba’ali’” (Hoshea 2:18). Knesset Yisrael will call the Holy One “Ishi” instead of “Ba’ali,” by the term for husband that means “man” instead of “master,” thus emphasizing love that has no element of compulsion. God’s continues, through His prophet:

I will betroth you forever; I will betroth you with righteousness and in justice, and with goodness and mercy. And I will betroth you with faithfulness; then you shall know the Lord. On that day I will respond (e’eneh – from the same root as ona), declares the Lord, I will respond (e’eneh) to the heavens, and they shall respond (ya’anu) to the earth. And the earth shall respond (ta’aneh) with new grain and wine and oil, and they shall respond (ya’anu) to Jezreel. I will seed her in the land as My own; and I shall have compassion on Lo-Ruḥama (No-Compassion); and I will say to Lo-Ami (Not-My-People), ‘You are My people,’ and he will respond, ‘My God.’” (Hoshea 2:18-25)

God will rejoice over us as a groom rejoices over his bride, and the joy of the mitzva of ona will be restored in all its glory.

01. Male Masturbation and the Prohibition of “Wasting Seed”

God created human beings with a powerful drive for love and a mutual attraction between men and women. This drive, when guided by sanctity, serves as the foundation of the marital covenant and for the closeness of husband and wife, about which the Torah says, “And he shall cling to his wife, so that they become one flesh” (Bereishit 2:24). This “clinging” begins with the mitzva of ona and culminates in the mitzva of procreation. By having children together, they unite literally in one flesh.

Since the attraction between men and women is the foundation of life and the strongest human drive, we have been commanded to enter into the covenant with God by removing the foreskin of the penis, the organ that joins man and woman. This is brit mila, the covenant of circumcision. With the removal of the foreskin, which symbolizes misdirected desire, the sacred covenant between God and Israel extends to the marriage covenant between husband and wife. When they engage in joyful lovemaking, the Shekhina dwells with them (Sota 17a), and their union leads to an abundance of love and blessing, benevolence and delight, life and peace, spreading throughout the world (see Berakhot 6b and Yevamot 62b).

In contrast, when this powerful impulse is corrupted, it damages the covenant. Instead of sanctifying it through the couple’s loving fulfillment of the mitzvot of ona and procreation, it is corrupted by adultery or self-gratification. This was the sin of the generation of the flood, of which the Torah says, “God saw how corrupt the earth was, for all flesh had corrupted its way on earth” (Bereishit 6:12). People continued to be drawn after their desires, committing the sins of adultery, idol worship, and theft, until the entire world was destroyed by the flood. The Sages explain that the punishment was quid pro quo: they sinned by corrupting the fiery passion that should have aroused their love in the context of marriage, using it for masturbation and adultery instead, so they were consumed by the boiling floodwaters (Sanhedrin 108a-b).

The sin of wasting seed – male masturbation – has an aspect of the sin of adultery, which is so grave that it is one of the Ten Commandments. On the verse, “You shall not commit adultery” (Shemot 20:13), the Sages comment: “There should be no adultery in you – not even your hand or foot”; in other words, a man must not masturbate with his hands or feet (Nidda 13b). Likewise, on the verse, “He shall cling to his wife, so that they become one flesh” (Bereishit 2:24), the Sages comment: “He shall cling to his wife and not someone else’s wife. He shall cling to his wife and not another man or an animal” (y. Kiddushin 1:1). R. Tzadok Ha-Kohen explains further that a man should not ejaculate anywhere other than with his wife (Tzidkat Ha-tzadik §121). This drive for life is meant to increase the love and devotion of a married couple. One who corrupts it in order to indulge his urges harms his ability to love his wife devotedly.

Masturbation is also antithetical to the mitzva of procreation. We know that it displeases God from the story in which Er and Onan wasted their seed to ensure that Tamar would not get pregnant. The Torah states, “But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was displeasing to the Lord, and the Lord took his life” (Bereishit 38:7), and shortly afterwards states about Onan, “What he did was displeasing to the Lord, and He took his life also” (ibid. v. 10). Therefore, coitus interruptus is forbidden. Even if a man does so when his wife cannot conceive in any case, such as when she is pregnant, nursing, or menopausal, he transgresses this prohibition (Yevamot 34b).^[1]

02. The Severity of the Sin

On one hand, the Sages greatly emphasize the gravity of this sin. They go so far as to say, “Whoever wastefully ejaculates seed is liable to be put to death” (Nidda 13a). They also state that someone who wastes his seed is like a spiller of blood and an idol-worshiper (ibid). He is like a murderer because he is wasting seed that is meant to add life to the world. He is like an idol-worshiper because instead of increasing love, he is misdirecting the drive for life to self-centered lust, just as idol-worshipers misdirect the power of faith to the worship of wood and stone (see Maharal, Ḥidushei Aggadot, Nidda 13b.)

Zohar goes even further, saying that one who violates this prohibition will not experience the Divine Presence or get eternal reward, since he is like a person who murdered his children. He has spilled a great deal of blood, since this sin becomes habitual. One can repent for all other sins in the Torah, except this one. Nevertheless, if one makes great efforts to repent, motivated by love of God, he will succeed in atoning even for this sin (Zohar I 219b, 62a). Based on Zohar, Shulḥan Arukh states, “This sin is worse than all the other sins in the Torah” (EH 23:1).^[2]

On the other hand, there is no explicit Torah prohibition against wasting seed. The verse simply mentions that Er and Onan were punished by death for committing this sin. As a result, the poskim debate whether it is a rabbinic or Torah prohibition. Even according to those who maintain that the prohibition is from the Torah, it is clearly not considered one of the most severe ones, since it is punished neither by death nor by lashes (n. 1 above).

Practical halakhic rulings reflect this as well. If a man sees that his sexual desire is overpowering him to the extent that he will give in to the temptation of adultery or have sexual relations with his wife when she is nidda, it is preferable that he masturbate and then fast to atone for the sin, rather than succumb to these graver sins (Sefer Ḥasidim §176; SA ḤM 23:1; Beit Shmuel ad loc. 1). It is also preferable to masturbate than give in to the temptation of having relations with an unmarried woman, even if she is ritually pure (Responsa Maharshag §243).^[3]